


Alone I Break

by carolelained



Category: The X-Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-07 01:13:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20300998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolelained/pseuds/carolelained
Summary: Someone has it in for Alex and wants to make him suffer.





	1. Chapter 1

Alone I Break

By CarolelaineD

Finally I was on my way home, I’d had to deal with so much crap lately and I was pissed off, mainly it had been that cancerous bastard as usual. Not that he worried me too much, I always seemed to get out of the shit I end up in.

Now all I wanted was to find a bar somewhere, grab a few drinks and just relax for a while. I guess that I just wanted to feel human once more, even though I knew it was temporary and nothing good ever lasted long. I started off with a double vodka, however it wasn’t long at all before that changed.

I just wanted to drown out my sorrows, also the depression that appeared to be creeping in once more. I’d suffered on and off for years and assumed it was my lifestyle, that was how I knew all the warning signs. I guess I’m just an idiot and know the drink won’t help, however for tonight it might help with the sleep I so much need.

I’ve already received my next job, in forty-eight hours Spender wants me to deliver a message to Fox Mulder. I’d swear that Spender sends me on purpose, he knows Mulder hates me with a passion and will beat me once more.

I’ve no idea why the hell I moan, I always go despite how he makes me suffer and hates me. I actually like Mulder and respect him, okay it’s way more than just like, I love him, and he’ll never even know. Maybe things could have been different if I hadn’t met Spender, not that I can change any of it now.

Well I knew I’d drank way too much now and was feeling sorry for myself; I also knew I was far too drunk to drive home. Shit that meant I’d have to come back tomorrow for my car, I’d just have to hope it still had a full set of wheels by then too.

I wasn’t in one of the best places, I guess that was the real reason why I came here in the first place. The likes of Spender wouldn’t be seen dead here, I guess it was the closest I got to a taste of freedom.

I stood and downed what was left in my glass, I then just fastened up my jacket and left. The night was rather cold now, even so I knew the walk would soon warm me up and clear my head too.

I’d thought nothing of the white van that drove past, however I soon became more alert as it slowed down and stopped. I became totally focused on that van, I guess that was why I forgot about everything else.

The door slid open, yet from this distance I couldn’t see much as it was too dark. Well I still had a few yards to go before I reached it, that was when my hand instinctively rested upon my gun. 

Well I guess I only saw what was in front of me, suddenly someone grabbed me from behind and shoved me to the ground. Shit the person was rather heavy and I couldn’t move, that was when something covered my mouth and nose and I knew very little else, well other than the sickly smell of the chloroform.

XXXXXXXXXX

I woke sometime later and just wanted to throw up, I guess the vodka didn’t mix too well with the chloroform. My main concern right now was my surroundings, also to try and figure out where the hell I was.

Well it appeared to be some old walk in freezer, thank fuck it wasn’t used for its original purpose or I’d be screwed. My biggest problem would be a way out, the door only opened from the outside. I’d woke to find myself on the cold damp floor, it was totally void of anything else. No clue as to where the hell I might be either, for now though I were alone.

My mind started working overtime, would anyone come, or was this to become my tomb. Fuck I knew I had to get a grip on reality and fast, that or I might end up dying in here. Not that I could do a damn thing about my situation, I was trapped like a fuckin rat.

I had no idea how much time had passed, yet it was becoming harder to breathe by the minute. Oh shit that was when I had another thought, if it was airtight eventually the air would run out. Now all that did was cause me to panic, also that meant the air would run out faster too. In the end I removed my jacket, I then rolled it up so it would make a pillow, so my head didn’t have to touch the wall.

I sat back on the dirty floor with my back to the wall, now all I could do was wait and see if anyone came. In the end I had no idea if I’d fallen asleep or passed out from the lack of air.

Next time I opened my eyes was totally different, I was still in the same hell hole as before and I had company. Shit there were four of them and I was so weak, I knew there was nothing I could do against all of them as they grabbed me. Fuck it was then that I noticed the old table that was now in the room, however it was only seconds later that I was shoved over it.

All I could see from this angle was the dirty floor once more, then someone pulled my arms forward and fastened them to the table legs. I couldn’t take any more of this and had to fight back, I also found my voice and started shouting at them.

“Get the fuck off me, I swear I’ll kill every single one of you too.”

“Believe me you don’t scare us, however keep that mouth shut and you might get out of this alive.”

“What do you want from me?”

“We don’t want anything from you, it’s more what we plan to give you.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“This is just a warning.”

“A warning from who? Who the hell put you up to this?”

“You’ll find out soon enough.”

Shit it was then that my legs were kicked apart, then I felt someone close as my leg was also restrained. When they went to do my other leg I kicked out. Not that it did me any good at all, all I got for my efforts was as punch to my kidneys.

“Try that again and we’ll leave you here to die.”

“Fuck you.”

All I could do now was lay here and wait, it was then that one of them pulled out a small penknife. I’d expected to feel the blade upon my skin, yet suddenly I felt as my tee shirt was cut away from my body.

Then I screamed as the whip struck my back, the bastards weren’t happy just doing it once or twice either. Over and over until I thought I’d pass out from the pain, not that they’d let me as someone kept slapping me.

“Wakey wakey, you will stay with us until this is over.”

“Fuck no, please I can’t take any more of this…”

“Two more and it’s over.”

“I swear you’re dead.”

“Hey, we’re just the messengers.”

“So who the fuck ordered this.”

“Someone who wants you to know you’ll never win, as this is just a warning and each time it will get worse.”

“Fuck you and fuck them all.”

The bastard purposely made the last two far worse than all the others, I didn’t even have the energy to move as they removed the restraints. I just slid to the floor and remained there for some time, well until it became far too cold to remain there any longer. Night was coming in fast; chances are I’d freeze to death if I didn’t move now.

XXXXXXXXXX


	2. Chapter 2

I threw the remains of my tee shirt to the floor, I then grabbed my jacket and put it on. Shit I screamed out as the cold rough material touched my back, however I knew I’d have to wear it and fasten it up. Once outside I realized roughly where I was, apparently, I was only ten minutes from my own apartment.

I had to wonder if that pleased me or scared the hell out of me, was it just coincidence, or did they actually know where I lived. Now I had to wonder if I could even go back home. Fuck it, they did say it was just a warning, I figured if they’d wanted me dead, I would be by now.

It took me far longer than planned to reach my apartment, I was just thankful that my keys were still on me, in all honesty everything was still in my pockets. Now I had to wonder why the hell I’d only just looked now, however on close inspection I realized they’d removed all the bullets from my gun.

I threw my jacket on the floor and entered the bathroom, my main concern would be cleaning up my back. I knew that there was a chance of infection if I didn’t, the place had been filthy and disgusting. Well firstly I removed the rest of my clothes and looked in the mirror, shit I knew it was bad but not that bad. My back was covered in marks from the whip, all had bled and left deep welts on my back.

Well I knew I’d have to do this alone, hell it wasn’t like I had anyone who could help me. I also knew it would hurt like a bitch. First, I stepped in the shower and set the water temperature, I wanted it right before it touched my back. In the end I had to shove my fist into my mouth, it was that or I’d scream and wake all the neighbours.

However the shower was the easiest part, once out I grabbed a bottle of iodine and unscrewed the lid. Once done I stepped back into the shower, I then counted to five before pouring the contents down my back. Holy fuck did I scream, nothing could have prepared me for the pain I’d felt.

I couldn’t even bring myself to re dress, I was tired and just wanted to sleep and forget everything. I went into the medicine cabinet and started searching, it didn’t take me too long to find the sleeping pills. I just downed a handful as I were beyond caring now, also I had a whole day before facing Mulder. I had to lay down on my stomach, no way was anything touching my back for the foreseeable future.

XXXXXXXXXX

I woke to find the sun fully up, shit now I panicked and wondered how long I’d slept. Well it turned out I’d slept for over twenty hours and the pills had worked, maybe that was why my bladder was screaming at me for release. I dragged myself from the bed and went to relieve myself, well one look in the mirror and I realized I still looked like shit’

Fuck I had to be at Mulders within four hours, also I had to go and pick up my car first. Well I was having a coffee and some toast before anything else; Spender didn’t even know if Mulder would be home or not so there was no rush.

Now for the hardest part, how the hell was I meant to put my jacket on over the cuts. Shit I really had to think this through before I lost it. Finally I dressed in black jeans and a white tee shirt, however I’d have to tuck my gun into my jeans as the jacket would be staying at home tonight.

Actually another thought occurred to me, I would take it with me after all and drop it off somewhere to be cleaned. Right I had my gun sorted, now I just had to fit my knife and keys into my pockets.

It was moments like this that I regretted wearing tight jeans, not that I had time to piss around with all this. It wasn’t like Mulder would kill me, shit the man seemed to prefer using his fists on me and always let me live. Stupid bastard and all his morals, did he not realize it would get him killed one day.

Well I was as ready as I’d ever be, I just wanted this over with so I could get back home. Be free of this tee shirt and drink myself into oblivion, no more thinking about who the hell the message was from.

I got a cab and asked them to stop at the dry cleaners first, after that I was dropped off back outside the bar I’d drank at before all this happened. Well at least my car was in on piece so that was good, all the doors were still locked and nothing had been stolen.

I started the engine and drove towards Hegal place and Mulder, great I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. Saying that, I still sat outside for ten minutes before I moved. Finally I decided to get out and go see him, fuck I’d swear some of the cuts had come open as I felt agonizing pain.

Well I ‘d have to worry about that later, now I got to go see my favourite G-man. I decided to take the stairs, at least that way I’d see someone if they came at me. Once I was on the right floor I just listened, everything was silent as I went towards number forty-two.

XXXXXXXXXX

Now I had to think how I’d play this; did I knock or just pick the lock. Well it was late and the place was in darkness from outside, so I guess I’d be picking the lock then. Well as usual I was in within seconds, sometimes I wish Mulder would make it more of a challenge.

I closed the door as quiet as possible and walked into the room, well it looked like I was here alone so I’d have some waiting to do. I walked into the small kitchen to grab some water; however it was at that moment someone slammed into me.

I found myself slammed against the wall, now I had Mulder glaring at me as he pressed his arm tight across my throat.

“What the fuck are you doing here Krycek?”

“Shit I thought you were out…”

“Yeah well unlike some I actually live here, so just answer the question now…”

“Shit Mulder, just let go and I’ll talk.”

Okay Mulder was far more pissed than usual, he grabbed my tee shirt and pulled me forward. The bastard full on punched me as I slid to the floor, however that wasn’t enough as he kicked me in the side. I guess it was a natural instinct to protect myself, I curled into a tight ball as I heard him speak.

“What the fuck…”

I felt him touch my arm and cringed, what the fuck did he want from me now?

“Krycek… Hey Alex talk to me.”

“What?”

“Your tee shirt, shit it’s covered in blood.”

“Leave me the fuck alone Mulder, just move and I’ll be gone so you won’t have to worry about it.”

“Shit, just let me look at it and see how bad it is.”

“I said no Mulder.”

“Yeah well it’s my apartment and you broke in here, so what I say goes.”

“Like hell…”

Shit that was when I heard Mulder remove the safety on his gun, my mind was screaming at me to leave here, yet I couldn’t trust Mulder not to shoot me.

“Stand up and remove the tee shirt.”

I pulled myself up and did as he asked, not that I was happy about it though. I guess part of me felt embarrassed by it, as it showed just how fuckin pathetic and weak, I could be.

“Jesus Christ, what the hell happened Alex?”

“It’s nothing Mulder, I just got jumped that’s all.”

“Go lay down on the bed and I’ll clean the cuts, they need covering Alex so they can heal.”

“Fuck you Mulder, what sort of game are you playing now?”

“Hey, look it’s not a game and I’m just trying to help.”

“Yeah well I don’t need your help Mulder!”

“Well you need someone’s help, also I’m the only one here so just move. Well that or I can give Scully a call, maybe even Skinner…”

“Okay I get it, fine if you want to play nurse knock yourself out.”

I went into Mulders bedroom and knew I’d have to think fast, that or I’d have to deal with him touching me.

“Right lay down on your stomach, just remember this will hurt Alex.”

Mulder went into the bathroom, well it looked like I moved now or became trapped. I started to get up off the bed, shit Mulder must have known that I’d plan on doing a runner.

The bastard had me shoved face down, then within seconds he cuffed one hand and forced it upwards. He then threaded the other cuff through the headboard, before I knew it both my hands were restrained above my head.

“You fuckin bastard, I bet you planned to turn me in from the start?”

“Alex, I have no intention of turning you in, just as you had no intention of letting me help you.”

“Because I can’t understand why you’d want to help me…”

“Maybe because I want to believe in you, I just get this feeling that you’re always helping me. Okay I think you work against Spender most of the time, am I right Alex?”

“I don’t believe in a lot he does; however I’m trapped Mulder and it’s my life now.”

“So just accept this as a thank you then you can leave, it won’t change anything Alex and chances are I’ll end up hitting you next time we meet.”

I lay there without saying a word, right now I was more confused than I’d ever been before. I had all on not to scream as he applied the iodine, yet I didn’t want this one man to see me as pathetic.

“Alex why did someone do this to you?”

“I guess it comes with the work I do.”

“Did they say who they worked for or what they wanted?”

“No it was a warning that I’d never win, oh and also it would get worse each time.”

“So they could do it to you again?”

“Yeah I guess it’s a possibility.”

“I don’t know how you do it Alex?”

“Do what?”

“Live the life you do.”

“Yeah well I don’t have a choice…”

“Really!”

“Yeah really, so just drop it Mulder.”

“Fine, I was just trying to be friendly.”

“Mulder just let me go…”

“Soon Alex.”

At this rate I’d start bawling like a fuckin baby, the man was so nice, and it confused the hell out of me. Soon he’d cleaned up my back and even covered it up, now he was feeling along my ribs.

“You have some bruising here too Alex, did they do something else to you?”

“Yeah but it’s nothing.”

“Look I’m going to remove one of your hands, I then want you to turn on your back. No funny business Alex as I still have my gun.”

I did as he asked, shit within minutes he’d re cuffed me to the headboard once more. Now though this was far worse, I couldn’t bury my face in the covers anymore.

“Tell me if this hurts Alex.”

The man could be so gentle when he wanted, he actually made it feel like he wanted to touch me too.

“Alex, why did you have to betray me?”

“Mulder please, it doesn’t matter what I say anymore. Hell I can’t change the past, or who I work for either.”

“Did you ever like me Alex?”

Shit how the hell could I answer that without him getting mad, oh fuck suddenly I couldn’t help but moan out loud. Mulder had brushed the back of his hand over my nipple, that had then instantly sent messages to other parts of my body.

“Answer me Alex.”

“Fuck it, yes I liked you Mulder…”

“How much did you like me, was it just friendly Alex. That, or was there more to it than friendship?”

“Shit Mulder what are you talking about, has someone been drugging your water again?”

“No, I’ve just spent a lot of time thinking about things.”

“Well this is one talk I’m not having with you Mulder.”

“Maybe I should just find out for myself then.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

Shit suddenly Mulder squeezed my nipple hard, fuck then the bastard moved and had it in his mouth. All I could do was lay here as he licked and sucked it, shit then suddenly his teeth bit hard and I was gone. I couldn’t stop myself from moaning out loud, nor could I stop behaving like some wanton slut.

“Well now we’re getting somewhere, is it me or would that be your reaction to anyone Alex?

“Fuck you Mulder…”

This one man always had the ability to get under my skin, I had to get out of here as I’d already shown him too much of the real me.

“Alex answer me.”

“What… shit what do you want from me Mulder?”

“I’m sorry I guess I was just bored, and you were here.”

“Gee thanks, look just remove the cuffs Mulder as I’m not in the mood for your games.”

“You just looked so tempting restrained like that, I guess it’s not often that I get you where I want you.”

“I’d have thought you’d want me six foot under Mulder?”

“Alex, I don’t think you’re ready to hear what I want from you… Who knows, maybe next time we can go a bit farther until you realize what it is, we both want.”

“Okay you’re really starting to worry me now; Mulder I need to go.”

“Look I’ll let you go, just lay still and I’ll remove the cuffs.”

I turned my head to one side, at least that way I didn’t have to look at him, well that was a big mistake. Within seconds Mulder had his mouth pressed against my neck, shit I wanted to scream as his teeth sank into the soft skin. Finally he loosened his grip, then he licked and sucked the damaged skin soothing it.

Mulder then kept his promise and removed the cuffs, Instantly I sat up on the bed and grabbed my tee shirt.

“Now you’ll have a way to remember me.”

“Shit like I could forget this Mulder…”

“Like I said, till next time Alex. I won’t stop until you realize what we both want.”

“You’ve fuckin lost it.”

With that I pulled a piece of paper from my pocket and handed it to Mulder.

“This was the message I was meant to deliver, I’m out of here now as I have things to do.”

“Make sure you think about what I said Alex.”

I walked out of the door without even answering him, also I never even stopped until I was back inside my car. Now I wanted a drink far more than ever before, shit was Mulder for real. Who knows, he could be drugged, or maybe it had been a fuckin clone.

XXXXXXXXXX


	3. Chapter 3

I’d gone home that day and drank myself into oblivion, I’d never seen Mulder behave like that in all the time I’d known him. Well as far as I were concerned, I’d done my job, I’d delivered the message as Spender had asked.

The following days dragged into weeks, lucky for me though my life had pretty much returned to normal. Well I didn’t expect any different, I had gone out of my way to avoid Mulder at all cost and a repeat of last time.

Don’t get me wrong, I hadn’t a problem with a guy touching me like that, I just knew Mulder would have an ulterior motive. It would be at a great cost to my health too, physically and mentally. Ever since that day my depression had returned, no matter what I did it just never went anymore.

I became short tempered with everyone; it was as if this dark cloud had surrounded me and wouldn’t move on. I did what was expected of me, afterwards I always ended up in some bar or other. I guess it suddenly hit me, I had no one nor a reason to carry on really. That was why I didn’t give a shit anymore; I became more reckless and less observant.

I’d gone to the bar as usual, I did most nights so anyone could find me if they really wanted to. I drank until I could barley stand and then I’d stagger off home. Well it wasn’t to be that way tonight, as I walked out of the bar, I knew someone was behind me. This time I’d be prepared no matter what.

I guess it was just a shame I could barely stand, I was kicked from behind and someone shoved a hood over my head. I could hear voices and knew there was more than one of them, however I forgot all about that as someone kicked me once more.

I raised my hands to protect my head and face, then I curled into a tight ball protecting myself the best I could. I was kicked repeatedly in my sides, then someone kicked me in the back. I’d swear that at least one of my ribs had cracked, now I was worried that I’d just die here if they carried on.

It wasn’t like I could do a damn thing to stop them, I screamed out and was kicked even harder. Then suddenly the hood was removed, I guess they’d found a better use for it. The next time I screamed one of them forced it into my mouth, now I couldn’t even fuckin breathe.

The last kick that I remembered was to my head, it was sometime later that I woke up alone. I could barely move due to the pain; I knew Spender would want answers. He would accuse me of causing it, most likely claim I was double crossing him with someone else.

I went to get my phone and saw the note, three little fuckin words. YOU WERE WARNED, how the hell was I supposed to know who I’d pissed off, I did have a few enemies after all. Not that I could think of any that I’d pissed off lately, I grabbed my phone and called a cab.

The driver had tried to make me see sense, he kept telling me I would be better off going to the hospital. Maybe this was a bad idea, yet there was only one person I wanted to see. If he killed me so be it, yet all I wanted was to feel his hands upon me once more.

I told the driver to take me to Hegal place, once there I practically fell into the lift and collapsed. Then when I reached the floor, I could barely stand at all and I had to lean against the wall, finally I worked my way to his door. I knocked and prayed he was home, then finally my legs gave way and I slid to the floor.

XXXXXXXXXX

“What the fuck!”

“Mulder please help me…”

“Can you move at all Alex?”

“I’ll try.”

Mulder was there by my side and helped me up, he then managed to get me inside and on the bed.

“This might hurt Alex; however I need to remove your jacket and tee shirt.”

I lay there and struggled not to scream as he undressed me, I then felt his warm hands against my ribs.

“Alex talk to me; I need you to tell me if it hurts?”

“Shit my whole body hurts right now…”

“Look you should have gone to a hospital, shit why did you come here Alex instead?”

“Move and I’ll go, I just thought… Never mind.”

“Alex, I didn’t mean it like that, look just lay back down will you.”

“So what the hell did you mean?”

“Alex knock of the hard act okay, I just meant I’m not trained to deal with shit like this. At best I could bind your ribs and bandage the cuts, everything else is beyond me.”

“I’m sorry, all I ask is that you do the best you can Mulder.”

“Fine lay there while I get some bandages.”

Mulder did his best and worked efficiently, once my ribs were bandaged, he started checking the rest of my body over. I couldn’t help but notice his hand linger on my neck, yeah, the scar that I still hard from where he bit me last time I was here.

“Right unfasten your jeans and I’ll pull them off.”

“What…”

“You heard me Alex.”

I wasn’t happy about this, yet I lay there and unfastened the buttons on my jeans. I had to admit Mulder soon managed to remove them, fuck then I had him running his hands down my legs.

“Just a few bruises Alex.”

“Good, can I put my jeans back on now?”

“You might as well leave them off until morning, for now I’ll get you some strong meds for the pain.”

“Thanks Mulder.”

Mulder returned with the pills and a glass of water, as for me I swallowed them and prayed they’d start to work soon.

“You can stay here for now Alex; sleep and we’ll discuss everything in the morning. I promise that you’re safe here and no one will touch you except for me.”

Now I was left here alone in the dark just thinking about things, what did Mulder mean about only him touching me? Why did I come here in the first place? Who was the one that arranged the beatings for me, also would they be the last or was more to come? So many fuckin questions, all with no answers.

XXXXXXXXXX

Morning soon came around and I woke alone, not that I’d expected anything different. My body ached now and I felt like I’d been hit by a truck, It was at that moment Mulder walked into the bedroom looking as sexy as ever. Shit even half asleep the man was gorgeous, I looked away and tried to look less interested in his body.

“How did you sleep Alex?”

“Good thanks, I guess I’m going to be feeling sore for some time though.”

“Well I’ve brought you some more meds, do you think you can move and get out of bed?”

“Yeah, just give me a minute and I’ll be out of your way.”

“Alex, I don’t want you to leave, I just want you to come in the room and I’ll make breakfast.”

Shit this was really starting to have me worried now, maybe he was a fuckin clone and would take me out soon enough.

“Alex…”

“What?”

“I asked if you’re okay, you looked a little bit green there?”

“Mulder are you a clone?”

Suddenly Mulder stood and removed his tee shirt, he then sat on the bed with his back to me.

“Here look for yourself Alex.”

I placed my hand on the back of his neck and felt gently, his body felt so warm and pliable beneath my hand and I didn’t want to let go.

“Alex… Hey are you still with me?”

Shit I suddenly realized that I’d zoned out somewhat, I was sat there massaging his neck with my thumb.

“Shit I was miles away.”

“Well I hope it was somewhere good.”

“What?”

“Alex are you sure you’re okay, maybe it’s the aftereffects from the beating…”

“I’m okay, just a bit confused I guess.”

“Look I’ll go and start breakfast while you get up, well unless you need any help getting to the bathroom.”

“I’ll manage.”

Mulder stroked along my cheek and smiled at me, then within seconds he turned and was gone. Shit I couldn’t stay here, the man was someone I’d always wanted and this was killing me. It was a struggle to get to the bathroom, yet eventually I made it there.

The plan had been to dress and leave, not that I could overpower Mulder if it came to it. Hell it had taken me long enough to get back into the bedroom. Not that it mattered right now anyway, because it was right then I noticed all my clothes were gone.

Fuck that meant Mulder must also have my gun, I’d just have to pray that he went to work or even a run would be enough time to look. Okay I knew I’d have to go and join Mulder, that or he’d be coming in here to help me. I walked out to the smell of coffee ad toast, well I had to admit that I was hungry and hadn’t ate for hours now.

I made it over to the couch and sat down, my whole body screamed at me in agony and I wanted to fuckin cry and just leave here. Great now was not the time to get all emotional, yet I knew I was on the verge of a full break down and didn’t want to be around him when it happened.

Mulder walked in with a mug and plate, he then put them both on the coffee table. Within seconds he disappeared back into the kitchen, when he returned he sat down beside me with his own mug of coffee.

“Right Alex out with it.”

“Out with what?”

“I’m a profiler Alex, and a good one at that. I know you’re dying to ask me things, so ask away and I’ll answer you if I can.”

“This Mulder, what the hell is going on here?”

“Well you were injured, and I thought I was just trying to help.”

“Mulder you hate me, normally you wouldn’t piss on me if I were on fire!”

“Maybe I’ve changed Alex.”

“Yeah right, you hate me with a passion. Also what was all that other shit last time I was here?”

“What shit Alex, I told you the truth that was all.”

“You spouted some shit about us wanting the same thing, also that one day I’d realize too.”

“I know that you want me Alex.”

“What the fuck… You came on to me Mulder. Shit I still have the scar on my neck from where you bit me.”

“Maybe next time I want to bite somewhere else Alex, then you might realize just what I truly want from you…”

“Fuck this and fuck you Mulder, just give me my stuff so I can leave.”

“Firstly I can’t, I put your clothes in the wash and they won’t be ready yet. Secondly you can barely stand.”

“Well I’m out of here as soon as their done.”

“Do I scare you that much Alex? Or is it what I want from you that scares you the most.”

“You don’t fuckin scare me Mulder, so don’t even think that way.”

“Well I guess that just narrowed it down, so why does what I want scare you Alex?”

“It’s not me Mulder, or who I am. Then on top of that it’s who you are too, also the things I’ve done to you and that’s why you have to let me leave.”

“Look let’s just deal with one thing at a time, why isn’t it you Alex?”

“Mulder will you just fuckin drop it okay, well that was a stupid question as you never let anything go.”

“Hey, I’m trying to be nice Alex.”

“Yeah and that’s the problem Mulder, I don’t have time for all this crap as love is just for losers anyway. Someone always gets hurt, let’s just say I’m not interested okay.”

“I never mentioned love Alex…”

“Leave me the fuck alone.”

“We could always just have hot sex then.”

“Look Just find me something to wear as I’m out of here.”

“I won’t let you leave Alex.”

“I’d like to see you stop me Mulder…”

“Alex please, look I really don’t want to argue with you.”

“So why are you doing this to me?”

“I’m sorry okay, will you stay if I promise to behave.”

“I’ll stay for now; however I’m not promising anything Mulder. If you come near me, I’m gone, just so you understand.”

“Yeah I get it.”

The rest of the day was spent mostly in silence, well I guess I did spend most of the day asleep. I think it was the pills Mulder was giving me, that and the pain my body was still in. After some thought I’d decided what I was going to do, first thing in the morning I was leaving here no matter what.

By night I was even worse, the lethargy had totally set in and I struggled to move. I finally made it to the bedroom and just collapsed on the bed, what the fuck was wrong with me. I’d been to hell and back in the past, yet nothing had me feeling as tired as this.

Soon the door opened, and Mulder walked in, he came over to the bed and smiled down at me.

“Meds Alex, come on then you can get a good night’s sleep.”

“Thanks Mulder, look I really do appreciate all you’ve done for me.”

“Don’t worry about it, just relax and I’ll be back later on.”

“Good night Mulder.”

“Oh it will be a good night Alex.”

With that Mulder closed the door and was gone, the man was still acting rather strange. Well just one more night and I’d be out of here anyway, saying that I knew I’d miss his company.

Mulder was far more different from anyone else I knew; he was passionate and everything he did meant so much to him and always had. On the other hand he could be a little eccentric, yet in all honesty I knew I loved him. Maybe that was one of the reasons I couldn’t stay here any longer, the pain in my chest was becoming unbearable the longer I stayed.

I lay there just staring at the ceiling and thinking, it was then that I realized why I was still awake. I’d slept during the day and wasn’t that tired, if anything it was my body that was tired beyond belief. I was still there thinking when the door opened once more, Mulder walked back in, however this time the man shut the door behind him.

I just watched and never said anything, well that was until he started removing all his clothes. At first, I’d thought he was getting changed, maybe he couldn’t sleep and wanted to go for a run. Then once he was naked he moved towards the bed, suddenly he pulled the cover from me and I lay there in just my boxers.

“Mulder what the hell are you doing, shit are you sleepwalking or something?”

“No I’m wide awake, also I’m truly seeing things that we’ve both denied for so long.”

“Fuck this, I’m out of here, I warned you Mulder what would happen if you started doing this shit again…”

Mulder stood up and stepped back from the bed, shit I just wish the man would put some fuckin clothes on. He really didn’t realize what he did to me, or how gorgeous he truly was. Fuck, I also realized that he could be a complete bastard too.

“What the fuck have you done to me Mulder? I swear I’ll kill you as soon as I can fuckin move.”

“Calm down Alex, it’s just a muscle relaxant and won’t hurt you.”

“No but you might…”

“I’m not going to hurt you, actually I’m going to do the complete opposite Alex.”

“What the fuck are you talking about Mulder?”

Suddenly he was beside the bed once more, then the bastard had to start stroking my chest.

“I’m going to make love to you babe.”

“Like fuck you are!”

“I’m going to show you how it feels to be loved, also to show you that you do deserve it too.”

“Mulder please don’t do this…”

“Shush babe, I want you to stop talking and just feel.”

“I can’t shit please just let me go.”

“You can leave when it wears off, if that’s what you want?”

“Yeah…”

“However it won’t wear off until morning Alex, that still gives me plenty of time to show you how I feel about you.”

“You bastard, maybe I’ll just kill you before I leave.”

“Alex you know you won’t, you never could hurt me or hit me back.”

“Yeah well there’s always a first time for everything…”

“Well I’m willing to take my chance Alex, I honestly think your worth it.”

Shit this really couldn’t be happening, this was all just so out of character for Mulder. I could do fuck all as the man got up, he then climbed onto the bed and sat between my legs. Suddenly he pressed himself against me, then he had my nipple inside his mouth. Fuckin great, he touches me and already my body starts to betray me. His tongue bites and licks at my exposed nipples, soon both turn hard as he pays them equal attention.

“You’re gorgeous Alex and you taste so good, maybe I should move a bit lower and see how that tastes!”

“Mulder, oh fuck…”

“God you’re so sensitive babe, also a fuckin huge turn on.”

Suddenly Mulder moved lower down the bed and removed my underwear, I then had no time to think as he had my cock in his mouth. I couldn’t help myself as I moaned and cried out, shit the man also had one hell of a talented mouth and I wouldn’t last long.

Now I felt lost as he suddenly moved his mouth away from me.

“Please Mulder…”

“Hang in there babe, I promise I’ll make it good for you.”

Mulder parted my ass cheeks and I could feel his finger against the tight hole, I could also feel the cool lube that he’d applied. It wasn’t long before I felt his finger inside me as he stretched me, Mulder wasted no time adding another and then a third finger.

I had to admit I was pleased; it wasn’t like Mulder was small in that department.

“Alex… are you still with me babe?”

“Yeah.”

“Pay attention Alex, I’m no rapist and will stop if you don’t want this…”

“Fuck no, please Mulder just fuck me… don’t leave me like this…”

“Hey just calm down, I’m here babe. However I’m not going to fuck you, I’m going to make love to you babe.”

“Please Mulder don’t say that.”

“I told you that I meant it babe, you’ll always be safe here Alex no matter what.”

I couldn’t say anymore as Mulder entered me, he was so gentle as he worked his large erection deep inside me and started fucking me.

“God your so fuckin tight babe and you’re all mine.”

Mulder inside me was something I’d only ever dreamed of, yet this was really happening and he actually wanted me. I knew I’d come without him even touching me as I was so turned on, okay in all honesty I was like some druggie who was desperate for a fix.

Mulder grabbed my erection and started jerking me off, within seconds I came all over him and myself. At the same time I clenched my ass tight, within no time Mulders hot cum was filling my ass.

“Maybe one day I won’t have to drug you babe, god how I’d love to have you fuck me too.”

Well now I was totally gone, the sudden depression hit me full force and I cried like a fuckin baby. I hated it when I couldn’t control my own emotions, hell I hated having to suffer from depression in the first place.

I guess this had felt so right at the time, then I woke up and realized who I really am. I wasn’t someone who was capable of love, nor did I deserve it from anyone especially Mulder.

“Alex are you crying?”

Mulder climbed off me and lay beside me, I knew he was trying to avoid my damaged ribs. Shit he was been thoughtful and that made the tears flow even faster.

“Alex talk to me.”

“Just leave me alone Mulder.”

Mulder lent forward and started kissing the tears away, then I felt as he kissed me on the mouth. The man even shoved his tongue inside my mouth, shit at this rate I’d be getting hard again.

“I need you to talk to me Alex.”

“I said it doesn’t matter.”

“You don’t believe me do you Alex, that I could want you. Even after this and what we’ve just done?”

“I’m not worth it Mulder.”

“So you still think you’re not capable of feelings or love, so why are you crying Alex, that alone shows that you have feelings…”

“I have all the wrong kind of feelings Mulder; I want to go and smack my head against a brick wall. That, or maybe pull out my gun and put a bullet in my head.”

“Jesus Alex…”

“I can’t stop the feelings that are in my head and I want it to end, this is why you should have just let me go Mulder.”

“You just need some help Alex.”

“Look I just want to be left alone and get some sleep, please Mulder just give me time to sort my head out.”

“Fine, however I won’t let it drop, also I meant what I said about this being a safe place for you Alex. Look we can talk in the morning, that or when I get back from work”

“Thanks Mulder.”

Mulder kissed me once more and got up, he then left without another word. While I was left here wondering just what the hell had happened, I knew it would be a while until sleep finally claimed me.

Morning came and I could move once more, however I couldn’t face Mulder right now. I remembered that he’d said he was at work, so all I had to do now was bide my time and have patience.

Soon Mulder entered the bedroom and changed into a suit, while I just pretended that I was still asleep. Finally he kissed me on the cheek and left, the minute I heard the apartment door close I moved.

Talk about keeping Mulder close, hell I even had to borrow some of his clean underwear. Not that it mattered when you thought about it, hell I had just had his cock up my ass after all. After that I went in search of my own clothes, soon I located my jeans and tee shirt and manged to dress. It hadn’t been easy but I got there in the end, then I remembered I didn’t have my jacket as it was getting cleaned. I guess the only thing I still needed was my gun, a quick look in Mulders desk and I soon found that too.

Finally I was ready to leave, I made it as far as the door and saw the note that was taped there. Well nothing would make me stay, so I guess there was no harm in reading it.

Alex if you’re reading this, I guess you’re leaving, I just hope you have no regrets about your time here. As for me, I have no regrets and would do it again in a heartbeat. Please just come back if you need help, that or if you want to see me again. Mulder

I folded the note and put it in my jeans pocket, I then opened the door and walked out without looking back.


	4. Chapter 4

XXXXXXXXXX

Once outside I’d called a cab, I knew there would be no way of getting home unless I did. Once back I checked the markers I’d left in place, shit straight away I knew that someone had been here, that or they were still here.

I pulled out my gun and entered slowly, yet straight away I could smell smoke. Shit that meant Spender was looking for me, great he wasn’t someone I wanted to deal with right now, especially with how shit I felt.

I closed the door behind me and waked into the room, there sat the cancerous bastard. This was my place and I had to live here, that was why I hated it when he came here and smoked so much.

“Alex dear boy you’re home.”

“Yeah well it looks that way.”

“Don’t be clever with me, where have you been Alex?”

“I popped out to the shop…”

“Don’t push me today, I called by last night and you weren’t here then either.”

“I went to a bar and had a drink, look just tell me what you want Spender…”

“I have a job that needs doing, you and Luis are to meet a contact later tonight.”

“I can’t tonight.”

“Alex nothing is more important than me and what you’re told to do. So would you care to tell me what’s more important than my safety?”

“Great I get it, so what time do you need me?”

“Luis will pick you up at ten, be ready and don’t keep him waiting. You know that he has very little patience when it comes to you!”

“Yeah whatever… Luis has no patience full stop.”

“Oh and Alex…”

“What?”

“Learn some respect and watch that mouth of yours.”

I never even answered Spender as he walked out, deep down I was afraid of what I might say to him. Funny how pain can do that to you, well it looked like I only had a few hours before I’d have to move.

I smelt of Mulder and sex, all I wanted was a shower and just pretend it didn’t happen. It just hurt so much thinking of him and how he’d wanted me, yet deep down I knew it could never be. Well back to the present time, if I had a shower the bandages would have to come off, yet I didn’t think I could redo them myself.

I knew I would be better leaving them on, Mulder had bound them tight and it might work in my favour later. Finally I went into the small bathroom and had a wash instead. My body had plenty of bruises from the beating, well they were far from gentle and wanted to make a point.

I just couldn’t figure out who was doing it though, also what it was that I wasn’t learning. My head ached, and I was past caring as I looked into the mirror. It was then that I realized they’d never touched my face once, normally when you get attacked like that, they don’t give a shit. It was as if someone didn’t want to damage how I looked, all that thinking was not helping my head at all.

Well I’d done enough thinking for now, I set my alarm for nine and decided to take some meds. All I wanted was for the pain to ease so I could grab some sleep. Once in bed I just lay here thinking about Mulder, also about the meds he’d decided to give me. The man had drugged me so I couldn’t escape my feelings or run away, he even said he wanted a time when I wouldn’t need to be drugged. I could never see that happening though, Mulder was right last night, without the drugs I’d have been long gone.

Next thing I knew was the annoying noise in my head, it took me a few seconds to realize it was my alarm. Soon I was up and dressed once more, I also decided to take double the number of meds, all I wanted was for this night to be over and done with. Pain free would be good too.

Shit I still hadn’t collected my jacket from the cleaners either, well I knew I’d have to cover up my gun somehow. I looked through my closet at all my options, the best I could come up with was a black shirt. Hopefully unfastened I’d still be able to grab my gun, even so I was hoping I wouldn’t have to use it and the contact just turned up on time.

I went down to the ground floor to wait outside, however within five minutes Luis pulled up. I’d recognized his car straight away, also the bloke drove like a fuckin lunatic.”

“Come on Krycek get a move on will you!”

“Give me a minute will you, shit you only just pulled up.”

I struggled to get in the car as it was low down, yet I didn’t want Luis to see I had a weakness. Once in he pulled away, shit I never even had chance to get my seatbelt on. Believe me, I didn’t want to be in a car with him unless I was strapped in.

“So Krycek, what’s with the shirt and casual look?”

“Nothing…”

“Ha, I bet you have some date after this is over...”

“Yeah right, the only date I have Is with my bed.”

“What, no Agent Mulder tonight?”

“What the fuck do you mean by that?”

“I work with you Krycek, I guess it’s good to know if someone’s truly got your back or not.”

“Just spit it out if you’ve got something to say…”

“I saw you, when you paid him a visit Krycek.”

“You saw nothing Cardinale.”

“I saw enough. So do your loyalties lie with the consortium, or a certain G man?”

“You know where my loyalties lie, there was something that I needed from Mulder.”

“Yeah I bet there was, I gather it took all night to get it too.”

“Fuck you, just stay out of my business Luis.”

“Your business is my business Krycek, especially when I work with you. More so when I see you leaving there after Mulder.”

“Fuckin drop it or else.”

“You don’t scare me Krycek.”

“Whatever.”

“Hey, I can’t fault you, after all who wouldn’t want to give Agent Mulder one, maybe bring him down a peg or two at the same time.”

“Stay the fuck away from Mulder, that or I’ll kill you myself.”

The rest of the journey was made in silence, I knew I was taking a risk protecting Mulder. I knew that I meant what I’d said, I’d kill him if he touched Mulder or even went near him.

“Krycek… I said we’re here.”

“Yeah I’m not stupid.”

“Look just watch my back, this man likes to get the better of everyone and I don’t trust him.”

“So what’s the plan then?”

“He thinks I’m meeting him alone; I want you to keep your eyes on him at all times. If he tries anything or pulls his gun, shoot him.”

“Whatever.”

“Go find somewhere out of sight then, shit it’s like dealing with a baby.”

“Fuck you…”

“Ha in your dreams Krycek.”

Yeah right, it would be a fuckin nightmare for me, the bastard always made my skin crawl and I wanted to throw up. Soon I found some large packing boxes, well it was better than nothing and I could hide behind them. I made a gap between a couple of them and got my gun out, at least I could see Luis clearly from this angle.

All I could do now was wait for the contact to show up, meanwhile my thoughts drifted back to Mulder and the time I’d spent with him. The man had been so gentle with me as he kissed me, then he’d managed do something no one else ever had in my life. Mulder had managed to make me feel human and alive, like I truly meant something to him.

Now I was back to doing what I seemed to do best, I was nothing more than a low life thug with a gun. Sat in dirty warehouses with the likes of Luis, doing the dirty work for a bunch of old pathetic men. I’d been so lost in thought, it surprised me as I heard Luis speak to the contact.

“Stay the fuck there and keep your hands down.”

“Fine, look I’m just the messenger and want no trouble at all.”

“Do as I say, and you won’t get any, so did you bring the files?”

“Yeah, I have them in my briefcase.”

“Okay open it real slow, piss me off and I ‘ll put a bullet straight in you.”

I watched the man as he bent down, I also watched Luis as he was rather trigger happy. The man pulled out a file and handed it over to Luis, he then bent back down to shut the case. It was only at the last minute I saw the gun, he was slowly pulling it out of the briefcase, and I’d have to take him out.

It was as I went to move that it all went wrong, the pain in my side was so sudden that I dropped my gun. Luis was fast, however the man got one shot off first. Luis took one bullet to the shoulder; the man was not so lucky though as Luis put a bullet in his head.

“Krycek get the fuck in the car now!”

I managed to pull myself up and move, I’d only just got in the car as the driver’s door opened. Luis got in and shut the door, he then full on punched me in the jaw.

“What the fuck…”

“You stupid fuckin bastard, you had one job and that was it.”

“I didn’t see until it was too late.”

“He managed to grab that gun and turn around; you’re telling me that you saw nothing at all in that time?”

I kept my mouth shut as Luis reached over his seat, soon he found a small first aid kit and started pulling things out of it.

“Do you want me to help with that?”

“Don’t fuckin come near me, you’re useless and nothing but a fuck up.”

“I didn’t do it intentionally.”

“Maybe I should just put a fuckin bullet in you, I could tell Spender you got shot in the crossfire…”

I had no answer for him, shit if he wanted to do it, I wouldn’t be able to stop him. I could hear him cursing as he cleaned himself up, then within seconds we were speeding away.

“I ‘don’t even know how Spender expects me to work with you, hell I don’t even know why he bothers keeping you around?”

“I fucked up okay, nothing I say or do will change that.”

“Fucked up, is that what you call it? I could have been killed in there, I assure you that’s not a fuck up Krycek, you are supposed to have your partners back.”

“So what happens now then?”

“For one, I’ll be informing Spender of how everything went tonight.”

“Great, I guess I’ll suffer yet another beating…”

“Yeah well you deserve it, maybe you might learn something from it. Also you should have been focused on the job and not your boyfriend, I think Spender would like to hear all about that don’t you?”

“Fuck no, shit please don’t mention Mulder.”

“Why, are you scared of the consequences Krycek, because I would be if it were me.”

“Shit he’ll kill me.”

“Good it will save me doing it.”

“You bastard…”

The car screeched to a stop, shit I was thankful that I’d wore my seatbelt or I’d have been through the windscreen.

“Get the fuck out of my car now.”

I knew there was nothing I could say now, I’d just have to pray that he decides not to tell Spender, especially about Mulder and the night I spent there. Finally I made it to my apartment and entered, the first thing I did was lock the door. I knew that it was pointless, yet I still use both deadbolts to secure the door.

I knew it was only a matter of time before it all kicked off and went to hell, Spender would show sooner or later. My answer to life was in a bottle, I grabbed the vodka along with some more meds. Maybe I should just swallow the fuckin lot, no instead I just cried like a fuckin baby as the depression kicked in big time.

XXXXXXXXXX

I went into the bedroom and threw myself down on the bed, then suddenly I thought about Mulder once more. Fuck what would Spender do to Mulder if he found out, this was my mess and I should never have brought him into it. I pulled my phone from my pocket, my jaw was swollen and talking would be hard, however I knew I had to make the call.

“Mulder here.”

Shit I heard his voice and didn’t know what to say to him.

“Who’s there?”

Maybe I should hang up and pray Spender left him alone, yeah right, fat chance of that happening.

“You have thirty seconds to talk, otherwise I’m hanging up.”

“Mulder…”

“Is that you Alex?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry to call you so late.”

“Well I take it you have a reason for calling…”

“Yeah, someone saw me leaving your place this morning…”

“So, what’s the problem Alex?”

“Spender, shit the same person saw me arrive at your place last night too.”

“Well I take it that the person isn’t a friend, considering you could barely walk when you arrived.”

“Mulder, I have no fuckin friends okay.”

“I could be your friend Alex.”

“Fuckin great, will you shut the fuck up for one minute.”

“Fine, just spit it out then.”

“Shit I just told you what the problem was.”

“Spender doesn’t scare me Alex, also we are both consenting adults.”

“Look Mulder just forget I called…”

“Hey, you called to warn me, and I appreciate that Alex. You just need to calm down and stop overthinking everything.”

“I can’t…”

“You could always come here, I told you that this can be a safe place for you Alex.”

“I couldn’t even if I wanted to, Spender will be looking for me. I’m sure he’ll want to punish me for this.”

“Hey, I’m sure it can’t be that bad Alex.”

“I’ll be okay, so don’t worry about me Mulder.”

“Well thanks for letting me know, Alex how are you after last night and after what happened?”

“Mulder, I don’t even know how to answer that one, I guess I’m rather confused right now about everything.”

“Okay I won’t push things right now.”

“Good because I’m on my way to getting hammered now.”

“Alex should you be drinking?”

“Mulder I’ll be okay; you just take care of yourself.”

“Okay, just remember I’m here if you need me.”

“Yeah okay.”

“Alex…”

“What?”

“Please be careful, I really don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“Likewise Mulder.”

I hung up and threw the phone on the bed, now my head ached even worse than before. What the hell was with Mulder, shit it was thinking about last night that caused this in the first place.

I decided to try and not think about anything at all, to just relax and drink the vodka until sleep claimed me once more. Not that it went as planned, the vodka was gone, and I was still here wide awake. Fuck this, I pulled myself out of bed and went into the kitchen. It was times like this I was glad I stocked up, I soon grabbed another bottle and returned to the bedroom.

In the end sleep never came, I think I just drank until I fell unconscious and couldn’t drink anymore. I went to sit up and had to move fast, I’d only just reached the toilet when I threw up. Maybe the second bottle had been a bad idea after all, I washed my face and returned to the bedroom.

I still had my clothes on from yesterday and looked a mess now, a shower was needed far more than anything else, well that was after some coffee. I soon made myself a mug of steaming hot black coffee, I’d have to sober up and be ready for anything today.

I decided to take it into the bathroom with me, at least that way I could get on with the shower and possibly a shave too. The water felt so good and soothing against my body, shit it was then that I realized I’d been through so much in such a short time.

I had Mulder who was acting stranger than normal, also who’d wanted far more from me than I’d thought possible. Also there was some unknown people who wanted to beat me up all the time, for reasons unknown to me. Then just to top it all off, I had Spender too and possibly Luis.

With any luck maybe the beatings would now be over, I guess I’d have to start watching my own back and be careful. Both times I’d been drunk, maybe that should tell me something. No more fuckin drinking in random bars, otherwise I’d be a target for everyone.

Soon I was washed and felt far cleaner than before, now all I had to do was get rid of the hangover and I’d be good to go. I popped a couple of pills and drank the bitter coffee, I guess that was a good place as any to start. Once done I grabbed a razor and some shaving foam, I was thankful it didn’t take long and I felt human once more.

I’d brought a tee shirt and some boxers into the bathroom and dressed, now I cleaned my teeth and was done, it was as I used the toilet, I heard the hammering. It took a few seconds to register what the hell was happening, that was when I ran into the bedroom to grab my gun.

Fuck I knocked it down the bed, I had to reach over and try to reach it fast. Not that I had time, suddenly someone yanked me up by my tee shirt and threw me down on the bed. I looked up into the angry face of Luis, then within seconds all I smelt was smoke. I guess Spender had sent Luis in first to make sure it was safe, he wouldn’t want to get shot if I were armed.

“Alex dear boy, did you actually think you could lock me out?”

“Well you can’t blame me for trying…”

Shit that was when Luis suddenly backhanded me, so much for the clean white tee shirt.

“Luis take Alex here into the kitchen, then secure him tight to one of the chairs.”

“Yes Sir.”

Within minutes I was in the kitchen and restrained, now I had no chance of getting away from them.

“Luis informs me that he has some issues concerning you Alex.”

“What issues?”

“It appears that you’ve pissed off more than just me Alex. Would you care to tell me who it is, someone who obviously thinks they can lay hands on my property. Not just that either, I couldn’t help but notice how they’ve marked you too.”

Shit I realized that he must have seen all the bruises and cuts, that was bad as he’d think I was double crossing him.

“Alex, I asked you who did it?”

“I swear I don’t know; shit I wish I did so I could fuckin kill them all.”

“Say I believe you, that still doesn’t explain why you went to see Agent Mulder afterwards.”

“Maybe I thought he deserved to finish me off, revenge for what I’d done to him.”

“What, and that took all night?”

“Yeah…”

“Is that all you have to say for yourself?”

“Yes, what the hell do you want me to say?”

“How about the truth, I’m aware that is a strange concept where you’re concerned.”

“I’m telling the fuckin truth.”

“You are nothing but a liar Alex, Luis show him.”

Luis opened a case and pulled out a small portable laptop and put it on the table, all I could do was sit there and wait as he turned it on. Fuck there on the screen was me in Mulders bed fast asleep, then things became far worse as reality sank in.

That black lunged bastard had Mulder under surveillance, his apartment had a fuckin camera in the bedroom. Worse, I soon learnt that he also had it bugged and had heard everything that was said.

“See you did lie to me Alex, you spent two nights there with a federal agent. One who I might add is always meddling into my business, also he happens to be my son.”

Shit I nearly choked at that thought, Mulder was a far better person than Spender would ever be.

“So you know it was Mulder that instigated it, shit he even fuckin drugged me!”

“Yes, I must say he’s more cunning than I thought, yet at the end of the day you chose to go there. You also made yourself vulnerable to him, what if he’d decided to use a different type of drug on you?”

“Such as…”

“What if Mulder had used a truth serum on you?”

“What would it matter, I hardly know anything that would be of importance to him.”

“Yes and this is the reason why you know nothing; do you really think I trust you Alex?”

“I don’t understand, I’ve never betrayed you or the consortium.”

“Be careful what lies you tell me Alex, because I know far more than you think.”

Okay maybe it would be in my own interest to say nothing, okay so maybe I had betrayed them once or twice in the past. Yet I’d done nothing that would warrant him killing me.

“It’s funny actually Alex.”

“What is?”

“I used to trust you and thought you’d go a long way, I even thought one day you might take over from me.”

“So, what made you change your mind?”

“My son, or should I say the assignment you were given.”

“If you mean the assignment with Mulder, I did what I was meant to do and watched his every move.”

“Oh I’m well aware that you watched his every move, you became obsessed with him and wanted him back then. Mulder was just too blind to see it; however it was obvious to everyone else.”

“So what if I liked him?”

“Oh it was far more than just like, I guess that was when I truly stopped trusting you with any secret information or consortium business.”

“So why keep me around all this time then?”

“You were good with a gun Alex, also I hoped that you’d get Fox to come to me.”

“Yeah right, Mulder is too stubborn to ever give up his life and job.”

“You deserve each other, Fox has made it obvious that he wants you.”

“If you say so.”

“As far as I’m concerned, he can have you too. Maybe a little playmate will change his outlook on life!”

“What if I don’t want to be his playmate.”

“Luis you can finish off here.”

“Yes Sir.”

“Alex you can stay away from me and the consortium, there is just one condition to you walking away.”

“I thought there might be, so what is it?”

“If Fox wants you, you’ll go to him, that way you’ll stay alive. Mulder doesn’t like people who force their way into his life, that’s why you stay away and let him come to you, he can do the running if it’s what he wants.”

So that was good, I’d just make sure I avoided him at all cost. It wasn’t like he knew where I lived, also I’d just have to stay home for a while. Finally I heard Spender leave, now I just had to deal with Luis and what he had planned for me.

“Right Krycek let’s get this over with as I’m rather busy.”

“Whatever, it’s not like I can talk you out of it.”

“Apparently Spender wants you looking battered and bruised, that way the G man will take pity and want you even more.”

I accepted the beating he gave me, mainly it had consisted of just a few punches. I soon learnt that Luis wanted to hit my face, unlike the others that had beat me before. I guess it was all a ploy to reel in Mulder, however I’d damn well make sure he never saw me until they faded.

Once done Luis removed all the restraints, then the bastard slapped me on the shoulder like we were old friends.

“No hard feelings Krycek, just face the truth and accept you’re pathetic. You never could stomach this work, so maybe playing house with Mulder will be more suited to you.”

“Fuck off Luis.”

Now I just found myself alone and sat at the table, not that I could stay here as I had plans to make.

XXXXXXXXXX


	5. Chapter 5

My main goal was to go off the grid, just stay low until I was fully healed. What a joke that was, deep down I knew I’d never heal mentally. Great way to think idiot, for now I had to remain positive and get everything done.

I dragged myself into the bathroom once more, I then removed all the blood and made myself look as presentable as I could. No matter though, as I still looked like someone who had just taken a beating. Why the fuck should I care what people thought of me, maybe they’d take one look and keep their distance.

Soon I managed to dress and grabbed my wallet and car keys, my first stop was the dry cleaners. Shit the world could be falling apart, yet all I worried about was getting my jacket back. I was like a fuckin kid with a security blanket, I guess it just made me feel less vulnerable.

Once done I called at the nearest liquor store, I wasn’t an alcoholic yet despite the amount I bought. My plan was to sleep and heal, well I had to do something besides just giving in and calling Mulder.

It would be so easy to call him, that or go over to his place. Shit Spender knew what he was doing, Mulder would take one look and then want to help me. I guess he’d invite me in, and one thing would lead to another, shit the man wouldn’t even have to drug me this time.

Okay I really had to get Mulder out of my head, I had to just deal with all this for now. I knew I couldn’t just stock up on drink, so I decided to call at the local food store. In a way it all felt new to me, I was always running and just grabbed food as I went. I knew how to cook, not that I’d had time with my line of work.

Now I had the time, however I wasn’t in the mood and couldn’t be bothered to do much. Maybe it was my sweet tooth, that or the depression. All I wanted and craved right now was chocolate, so I made sure I bought plenty including ice cream too.

Soon I had everything and went to pay, that done I had just one more stop before home. I called at the local pharmacy and bought supplies, I bought stuff for my face along with plenty of pain killers.

I actually couldn’t wait to get back home and close my door, I’d always loved reading but never had time. Maybe I could spend the time wisely, catch up with some of the things I haven’t done in years. At that moment images of my family popped into my head, great now of all times on top of everything else.

My family had moved to America when I was a young boy, maybe five or six. After many years my parents decided to go back to Russia, I’d had a good childhood and they said I was old enough to live my own life. I’d promised that I’d visit them, maybe take a trip to Russia once a year.

Well it had never happened, I guess I kept putting it off as I didn’t have time. Then my elder brother went and told them all about me, how I’d joined the FBI and was doing really well.

I was working with a well-known agent and had settled down, he also promised them he’d take me with him next time he visited. My brother Nicky had done well for himself; he’d joined the New York police and had a good career. He’d also married and given them two grandchildren.

I guess because of his job he found out things, one of those things was all about me. I still remember the day he came to see me, he even offered to pay for me to leave America and go back home. No one would ever have to know the truth, yet he got angry because I refused.

That night was the first time he’d ever hit me, well other than play fighting as a kid. He told me that I was an ungrateful bastard and didn’t deserve a family, so he’d make sure I didn’t have one.

Nick told my parents what I’d done, how I no longer worked for the law. He took great pleasure telling them what I was, that I’d become nothing more than a murderer and a hit man. He also took great pleasure telling them that I was also gay and would never have kids, how they would only have his own kids to play grandparents with.

My parents wrote to me, they explained how it was impossible to still treat me as their son. I’d become a bad person whose sole aim was to destroy people’s lives. I had no idea exactly how much they knew, hell I still don’t know. I haven’t spoken to my parents for five years, I’d have to live with the decision they made.

My brother still lives in New York and has moved up in the police force, yet I don’t see him as he also disowned me. I guess it hurts knowing I don’t have anyone who I can turn to for help, that was why it hit me more when Mulder made me feel wanted.

I was so desperate, one time I’d even followed my brother to his home. I knew I could never have the family he had as kids wasn’t an option. However I still should have been part of his life, they all looked so happy laughing and joking. I was an uncle, yet my nephews would never even know I existed.

Shit I had to get out of this hell hole, the past had to stay that way, or I’d drive myself mad. Finally I was pulling up outside my own apartment, I knew that I’d have to make two trips to get it all inside. First, I grabbed my jacket and the alcohol, great set of priorities that I had.

I put everything inside and went to get the rest, I’d just stepped outside when someone grabbed me. I found myself slammed against my own car face first, then the bastard kicked the back of my knees, so I fell to the hard ground.

“What the hell do you want from me?”

“That’s for you to figure out.”

“How the fuck can I deal with this when no one will tell me anything.”

“That’s not our problem.”

One of the men pulled me away from the car and held me tight, then all I could do was kneel there and watch as they destroyed my car. Part of me was pissed big time, yet the other part was thankful it was the car and not me.

The car was a wreck after they’d taken a baseball bat to it, it made me realize what damage they could cause me with it. Once it was over a white van pulled up, within seconds they got inside, and it sped away.

I must have just sat there for a good five minutes thinking, finally I stood up and brushed the dirt from my jeans. I grabbed the shopping off the back seat, I then just turned around and walked away. The car was a right off, also I no longer gave a shit about anything.

Once inside I unpacked my shopping and put it all away, I then went into the bedroom and changed. I felt somewhat better in the jog pants and a clean tee shirt, I grabbed a bottle of vodka and sat on the bed with it. Maybe a couple of drinks would give me some courage, I had my suspicions and wanted to know who hated me this much.

It was over an hour later that I plucked up the courage, I grabbed the phone and dialled a number I’d memorized years ago.

“Nick speaking…”

“Nick please don’t hang up on me.”

“Who is this?”

“It’s Alex…”

“Shit, what do you want Alex, I didn’t realize you still had this number.”

“I want to know how much you hate me?”

“Shit Alex is that what you think, I never hated you. I hated what you did for a living and what you’d become.”

“Really, is that why you ruined my life?”

“How the hell did I ruin your life, come on Alex tell me?”

“You turned my own parents against me, you made them hate me.”

“Alex, they had a right to know the truth, also I didn’t want you near them okay.”

“Why?”

“Alex you pissed off many people with your work, believe me I know all about the consortium and what they do. I wasn’t having you put their lives at risk, people would use them just to get at you. You must see that Alex; at the end of the day you lost your family because of the choices you made.”

Great now I was struggling to hold back the tears, I guess deep down I knew he was right. Maybe I should just hang up and forget about it all, yet I had to know if he had any part in all of this.

“Alex are you still there, shit are you crying? Talk to me Alex, just tell me what’s on your mind.”

“I have to know if you arranged for someone to beat me up, I can’t live like this not knowing what will happen next.”

“Alex calm down, to be honest I can’t believe you’ve just asked me that. You’re still my brother at the end of the day, I beat you once as a warning and it ended there. I just hope that you can believe me, I know we’ve had our differences…”

“Yes I believe you, I just get things mixed up at times and think all sorts.”

“Alex do you still suffer from depression?”

“Why?”

“You sound like you need help brother.”

“I’m out of the consortium and just need to deal with everything.”

“Well that’s a good start, Alex I’m here if you need me.”

“Do you really mean that?”

“I always hoped one day you’d get out, be able to come here and be part of my family.”

“Yeah right, you have a wife and kids Nick. I somehow think you’d find it hard explaining who I am, also where I’d been for over five years.”

“You travel the world Alex and are very busy.”

“What the hell are you talking about Nick?”

“That’s what I tell my kids, their uncle is a busy man and will come visit one day.”

“What they know they have an uncle?”

“Alex, we do have pictures of you here… they do ask, and it was only fair to tell them something.”

“Shit I can’t believe you did that.”

“Yeah well don’t let them down, when this all blows over come and visit.”

“I will, I promise Nick and thank you for the second chance.”

That night I didn’t need the vodka to sleep, I cried myself to sleep thinking about my brother and the chance he’d given me.

XXXXXXXXXX

I woke the next morning and felt good about life, no more Spender breathing down my neck. To top it off my brother still wanted to see me, also I’d get to see my nephews that I’d never seen before.

I had to heal first, I didn’t want to go there looking like this. Shit and then there were Fox too, did I really want to take a chance and have the man in my life? Okay that was a stupid question, I’d always wanted the man in my life. I guess he was just so confusing most of the time, yet he’d once told me that I was like that. He claimed he could never mange to profile me, hell or even understand me.

Everything always came back down to Fox; it didn’t matter how hard I worked to forget about him either. There was also one other factor that changed everything, if I went to him, I’d be giving Spender what he wanted. He wasn’t doing it for his son, the man had no intention of making Fox happy.

Spender wanted to use me as a distraction and nothing more, he’d never even asked me or gave me a choice in the matter. The biggest question was whether Spender would come back here, he had stated after all that I had to do it. It was starting to look like I had only three choices, also only I could decide which path to take.

Firstly, I could give Spender what he wanted, I go to Fox, and everyone lives happily ever after. Yeah right, deep down I believed it to be a trap. Nothing in my life ever went right, also Fox had always hated me with a passion. Maybe I was the idiot after all, Fox could be working with Spender to get rid of me. His feelings had dramatically changed after all, literally his feelings changed a whole three hundred and sixty degrees.

No I couldn’t let myself believe that, Fox would never stoop that low and hated Spender more than he did me. Also if Fox wanted rid of me, he could have done it so many times with just one bullet. Fuck this, going to Fox wasn’t really an option and I knew it.

Secondly, I could get my brother to contact my parents. Maybe if he explained everything to them, he could tell them how I’d made a mistake and had put it right. I had to believe that they would forgive me, I was their son after all. The biggest question was whether I wanted to leave America? Also even if I did, was Russia a place I really wanted to live in?

I vowed I’d never step foot in Russia again, plus America was my home and had been for years. Also here I could go and watch Fox and keep an eye on him, even if I wasn’t with him, I still wanted him to be safe.

Then there was my third option, to me it was the hardest, yet it would solve everything. I had enough pills here to sink a battleship, now imagine taking them with all the vodka too. Yet I was nothing more than a fuckin coward, I knew that would have to be a last resort too.

Spender and Luis were right, I was nothing more than a coward and not strong enough to do what was expected of me. I was at this fuckin crossroad in life, not that I had a clue as to which way I’d go. What if I fucked up yet again, hell I did seem to be rather good at it after all?

I lay there just thinking, shit I nearly jumped a mile as my phone rang. Great I knew only one person had this number, so much for Spender letting me go.

“What do you want Spender?”

“Alex, it’s me Mulder.”

“How the fuck did you get this number?”

“Are you okay?”

“Mulder just answer the fuckin question…”

“You called me Alex, you wanted to warn me about Spender.”

“Shit…”

“Hey, I’m not that bad, am I?”

“Mulder, I forgot okay, I’ve just had a lot on my mind that’s all.”

“Such as? Is it anything I can help you with Alex?”

“No Mulder, I guess I’ll have to figure this one out myself.”

“I already told you that I’m here for you, all you have to do is let me in.”

“Mulder can I ask you just one question?”

“You can ask me anything Alex.”

“Are you working with Spender?”

“Well I really wasn’t expecting that one, I’d rather kill myself than work for him.”

“Yeah I guess deep down I knew that.”

“Why would you even think that Alex?”

“Maybe because you want the same thing as Spender.”

“Shit what the hell is that, I can’t think of anything he wants that I would too.”

“Me…”

“What, Spender wants you?”

“You want me Mulder, Spender wants me to give myself to you.”

“Why would he want that, you’ve lost me Alex!”

“He wants to use me as a distraction, then that way you’ll leave him alone.”

“Okay I get you now, so what did you say?”

“I didn’t answer him because he left, not that I could use you Mulder to gain my freedom.”

“What, he’d let you go?”

“Yeah…”

“Alex come here so we can talk face to face…”

“No chance Mulder, you know what will happen if I do.”

“So what if it does, what are you so afraid of Alex?”

“I find it hard to trust you Mulder, hell I find it hard to trust anyone at all.”

“Hey, I thought trust no one was my motto.”

“Maybe that’s one thing we have in common.”

“Alex, I believe we share more than that in common, look please come here.”

“No Mulder.”

“Tell me where you live, and I’ll come there.”

“Forget it, look I’m hanging up Mulder and turning the phone off.”

“Why suffer alone Alex?”

“Goodbye Mulder.”

I hung up on him, I then threw the phone at the wall and smashed it. Well no one would be bothering me now, only Spender knew where I lived anyway. As much as I wanted to go to Fox, I knew I had to resist the urge to do so.

This was my life for the next few weeks, now I’d effectively made it so no one could call me, not even my brother that I’d just got in touch with after so long. A few weeks, and I’d go and buy a new phone and contact him to arrange a visit. Shit my phone wasn’t the only thing that would need replacing, I knew my car was fucked too.

It appeared everything in my life was fucked one way or another, just as I myself was. I had to move, force myself to get out of bed and do something. My body still ached from the beating; however my ribs were nowhere near as bad. Everything was more cosmetic than anything now, well I should be thankful that nothing was broken.

I made myself a coffee, then I decided to clean the place up a bit. I had to admit I liked things tidy and, in their place, a trait I’d learnt from my mother as a small child. It was like my past was determined to catch up with me, yet I just wanted to sort my own head out for now.

Soon it all looked somewhat better and clean, it was then I realized I’d need to eat too. Well I had bought plenty of food after all, yet in the end I settled for a cheese sandwich. After the shower I dressed in just my boxers, I planned to spend the day chilling out in front of the television.

Well the choice was shit as usual, in the end I turned it to the music channel and just lay there on the couch thinking about everything. My life had been spent moving around a lot. I was well and truly not used to this way of life. I was also scared that boredom set in, as with that the depression always came back.

In the evening I tried watching some old movie, I’d even got settled with a tub of chocolate ice cream. Yet thirty minutes later I was bored yet again, I found myself channel surfing just to pass the time. I ended up on some porn channel or other, great it would have to be the one with two men fucking each other. Suddenly my brain started working overtime, I was back in that bedroom with Fox as he made love to me. Shit the man had been so gentle and kind to me, then afterwards I’d walked out and never returned. By no means had that been easy, I just felt so confused and still do.

I looked up at the screen one more as the tears fell, I dropped the ice cream on the floor and ran to the bedroom. Once there, I threw myself upon the bed and sobbed. All I wanted was for the pain to end, maybe I should have gone to him after all. The pain couldn’t be any worse than this, at the end of the day I was just torturing myself.

At some point I’d cried myself to sleep, however suddenly my eyes flew open. That was part of the job and how I’d stayed alive, my instincts were good, and I always knew when I was no longer alone. The room was now dark, also I didn’t have a fuckin clue where my gun was. I lay there in the dark and just listened, I heard another noise and knew I hadn’t been dreaming.

Shit I couldn’t find anything to use as a weapon, not that I had a chance as the bedroom door flew open. I recognized the blokes mask straight away; this was the fourth attack now and I couldn’t take anymore.

“What the fuck do you want from me?”

One of them held me tight, as another punched me in the stomach and shoved me on the bed.

“I told you before, we just deliver the message.”

“Spender then, what the hell does he want from me?”

Fuck suddenly I was punched once more, I then doubled over on the bed in agony.

“Don’t fight us and we might go easy on you, one way or another this is going to happen.”

I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about, however I got the general idea as I was rolled over. There were four of them and I couldn’t fight them all, a couple of them held me down and stretched my arms out. Before I knew it, I was restrained to the bed with some fuckin cable ties. The bastards even restrained my ankles too, now I knew I couldn’t go anywhere or even fight back.

“Please don’t do this…”

“I already told you that it’s happening, relax and it won’t be too bad.”

“Yeah right, just relax and let you rape me!”

“Well it’s not like you can fight it.”

Shit I knew the bastard was right, I was at their mercy and knew it.

“Don’t worry too much pretty, my friends here prefer women. I keep telling them they don’t know what their missing.”

I felt as he removed my boxers, shit then he was far from gentle as he forced his fingers deep inside my ass. Not that it lasted long, he decided he couldn’t wait and wanted to fuck me.

I could smell smoke and it reminded me of Spender, shit that thought made me want to throw up. Was this Spender’s revenge because I never went to Mulder’s, after all only Spender could have given them my address. I already felt sick from the punch I’d received, all I wanted was for him to shut the fuck up.

He fucked me hard and kept making comments to his friends, I on the other hand just prayed he’d come soon.

“So tight pretty boy, hell I could stay here all day. Maybe I might keep you here for a few hours and have some fun with you, there’s a thought. Or maybe I could talk my friends here into fucking you, you see they all look rather turned on as they watch you.”

“Please don’t…”

Shit all I received was a slap across the head, then the bastard dug his fingers deep into my hips.

“You can shut the fuck up, believe me you’ve got no say in what we do to you.”

“You must work for someone; shit you must have orders of what you can and can’t do to me…”

“Oh yeah we have orders alright, no broken bones or permanent damage. Other than that we can pretty much do what we want to you, that includes fuckin your brains out.”

Great, I knew the man was far too gone to see reason. I’d just have to pray the others really were straight, however I had to wonder as they were rather eager to watch.

Suddenly he screamed out as he came inside me, I was just thankful he moved straight away and re dressed.

“Hey, you three might as well relieve yourselves, no way am I leaving here with you three horny as fuck.”

Shit, I was relieved that they didn’t want to touch me, yet I felt so filthy as they all came over my backside. The leader then knelt down near my ear and whispered to me.

“Thanks for that, best fuck I’ve had in ages. Just remember to do as you’re told or I’ll be back, maybe next time I might not be so gentle. Oh just before we leave, I have a little present for you, so you learn your place.”

Great now what, I just wanted them to leave me alone. It was at that moment he parted my ass cheeks once more, then within seconds he forced something deep inside my backside.

XXXXXXXXXX

All I could do was lay here as they cut the cable ties, once that was done, they turned and left like I was nothing at all. It was at that moment it hit me; I was no better than the men that had done this to me. How many times had I hurt someone or shot them, then afterwards I left them there like scum?

I knew I deserved everything I got, however that thought just made me more depressed. I knew I had to move to the bathroom, all I wanted was their filth off my body and to feel clean again.

Once I moved, I didn’t want to stop, I turned the shower as hot as I could stand it. I knew that I couldn’t just wash it all away, but I guess there was nothing else I could do. I pressed my finger against my backside and stopped, shit it was too soon and I wanted to throw up. Yet no matter what, I couldn’t force my finger inside. Deep down I wanted to know what he shoved inside me, yet part of me was too scared and didn’t want to think about it. I decided for now I’d leave it where it was, I was tired and severely depressed now, yet there was no way I could ever sleep in that bed again.

I grabbed a bottle of vodka and lay on the couch; shit I was too scared to even sit down in case I made it worse. Soon I was becoming rather drunk, as far as I were concerned everything else could wait until later.

I knew I was an idiot drinking this much, however the dark thoughts took over once more and I no longer cared. If someone offered me a bullet, I’d take it, maybe Spender would come back and grant my wish.

Sleep came and so did morning, another fuckin day of hell awaited. The first thing I did was throw up, at first, I thought it was never going to fuckin end. Maybe I was drinking far too much, at this rate the bullet would be the less painful option.

I had to get myself under control and face my next job, I lay a towel on the floor and searched in the draw for what I would need. It didn’t take me long at all to find the tube of lube, I then returned to the towel and took plenty of deep breaths.

I knew it was now or never, I knelt upon the towel and used the lube on my ass. Once done I also put plenty on my finger, now all I had to do was pull out whatever was inside me. I counted to five, then I pressed my finger slowly until the tip was inside me. It was at that moment when I lost all rational thought, I’d felt a slight stab of pain inside me and pulled my finger out fast.

Inside stung and I knew something had cut me, yet I also noticed that my finger was cut too. I wiped it on the towel and checked the damage, whatever it was had left a tiny hole in my finger. The question was whether I stopped, or if I tried again.

Fuck this shit, I knew I had little choice though and couldn’t leave it inside me. I’d give it one more go, shit then what the hell would I do? The second time I was more wary, yet the minute my finger pressed against something I jumped. That was to be the biggest mistake I’d made so far, as I jumped the sharp object pressed into my finger. I had no choice but to pull it out, my finger was cut and bleeding bad. Now I started to think it was a knife or something, shit what the hell would it do to my insides if I didn’t get it out fast. I suddenly felt really sick, I took a closer look at my finger and pulled something out.

Straight away I realized what it was, there embedded in my finger was part of a needle. Obviously as I moved it had gone deep into my finger, I really didn’t know how to handle this anymore.

Just to make matters worse I was starting to hallucinate; I’d done drugs in the past and knew it was LSD or something similar. I went into the kitchen and then the bedroom, I didn’t care as I started throwing things around in my search. All I wanted now was my gun, Which I finally found under the bed.

I checked and made sure it was still loaded, the rational part knew it was the drugs. The other part of me started thinking everything was real, one bullet and the suffering would be over.

Not that it would happen, suddenly my body started seizing and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Finally I passed out as darkness came, my final thought had been that this was it and it was all over.

I woke and had to think where the hell I were, I soon realized I was on the floor in my living room. My head hurt worse than ever; it was then that I realized I’d hit it on the coffee table. There was some blood, also I could feel the large lump too. I felt like shit and prayed the drug was wearing off, great after I knew I’d feel low and depressed for some time.

It was then I noticed my gun on the floor, within seconds everything came flooding back. Even after all this it wasn’t over, I still had something inside of me and couldn’t get it out.

Well I knew I had no choice as I went to get dressed, I only knew one person who might be willing to help me. Well I was hoping he would anyway, not that I liked the idea of asking him for help there. I’d swear things just got worse as the day went on, I grabbed my keys and locked up.

Great I just realized my car was fucked, no way could I drive it over to Mulders. I thought about calling a cab, then I realized I’d smashed my phone. Also in all honesty I was afraid to sit down, I was scared I made the thing inside me move and do more damage. Well if I set off now, I’d be there in twenty minutes, it was times like this I was glad I lived so close to him. I guess I’d always wanted to keep an eye on him, for his safety and my own personal reasons.

I finally made it there, however I was forced to take the lift to the fourth floor. My legs felt so weak and withdrawal was setting in now, also I felt so nervous coming here. Last time we spoke I told him I wouldn’t come, then I had to wonder where I’d go if he was at work.

I knocked gently and just waited there, soon I heard the lock and then the door swung open.

“Mulder…”

“I thought you wasn’t coming here anymore Alex? also you look like shit too.”

“Mulder will you please shut up and listen?”

“Out with it then, you can’t just play around with me Alex when it suits you.”

Fuck I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer, maybe I’d been stupid and should never have come here. I decided the best thing I could do was just leave, I turned to walk away. It was at that moment my legs gave way, and Mulder only just caught me and held me against him.

“Shit, you’re not going anywhere like this.”

Mulder kept hold of me and helped me inside his apartment, he then slammed the door shut.

“Sit down Alex.”

“I can’t.”

“Why can’t you? You can barely even stand and need to sit down.”

“Mulder something happened to me and I need your help, you said I’d be safe here. Shit I’m just stalling, I don’t really want your help yet…”

“God make up your mind Alex, you either want my help or you don’t!”

“Shit that came out wrong, I need your help Mulder. I guess it’s just a bit embarrassing that’s all, especially where it is.”

“Okay take a deep breath and talk.”

“You remember when I was beat up before, well the same men came to my apartment. I’m guessing it’s Spender; I’ve never told anyone else where I live so it has to be him.”

“Okay you’re doing well Alex; I take it they beat you again?”

“Yeah and tied me to the fuckin bed with cable ties. Then one of them decided it would be fun to ra… Fuck me.”

“I take it he raped you Alex, I understand if it’s too hard for you to say.”

“Yeah and I felt so fuckin used and dirty, he then got his friends to jerk off all over me.”

“Shit I’m so sorry Alex, no one has a right to do that to someone.”

“It didn’t end there Mulder, the bastard said he was leaving me a present. Fuck he shoved something inside me and it’s still there.”

“What? Up your backside?”

“Yeah Mulder, shit I need help to get it out as I can’t do it on my own…”

“Okay calm down, look I’ll see what I can do okay. If not, I might have to get Scully over here, she’s the doctor after all.”

“Fuck that, it’s embarrassing enough asking you to do it.”

“I have seen your backside Alex.”

“Yeah whatever, this is a little different Mulder.”

“Fine, have you any idea what it is?”

“I tried removing it and a needle snapped off in my finger, I think it also tore me up a bit too.”

“So it could be a syringe or something, well it might be easier to get out if the needle broke off.”

“You can’t risk cutting yourself Mulder, it had something in it, and I think it entered my blood stream, when the needle broke I started to feel sick.”

“So have you any idea what it might have been?”

“I did drugs years ago; shit don’t look at me like that Mulder. “

“Hey, I’m not judging you, I’ve done my share back in Oxford.”

“I started hallucinating a lot and think it was LSD, shit I even got my gun and thought about blowing my head off.”

“Jesus Alex, I’d love to spend five minutes with the bastards that did it. That’s taking things way too far, God you could have died…”

“Yeah well I didn’t, so will you help me then?”

“Yeah undress and go lay on the bed, make sure you lay on your stomach too.”

I did as Mulder asked, well at least this way I could hide my face in the covers.

Speak of the devil, Mulder walked into the room and grabbed the spare pillows.

“Lift your backside up Alex, that way it will be easier to get it.”

Mulder place a couple of pillows underneath me; I’d swear he brushed against my cock on purpose. Just when I thought it couldn’t get any more embarrassing, my cock started to fill and become hard.

“Right Alex lay as still as possible; it might feel a bit cold as I apply plenty of lube.”

Suddenly I felt his long finger press against the tight hole, I then jumped as he worked it deep inside my ass.

“Alex lay still, that or I’ll have to restrain you.”

“I bet you’d get off on that Mulder.”

“Keep moving and you might just find out.”

Oh god my erection was like stone and he wanted me to lay still, fuck then I suddenly felt the hard slap on my backside.

“What the hell was that for Mulder?”

“You know what it was for, this your last warning Alex…”

I tried my hardest to lay still, I also closed my eyes and imagined I was somewhere else. Shit it was near on impossible though, especially when you had Mulder playing with your backside.

“Holy fuck…”

“What the hell’s the matter now.”

“Shit I’m human Mulder…”

“Right that’s it.”

Oh god I wanted to cry as Mulder removed his fingers, I’d felt the loss straight away. Then it was even worse as Mulder got up off the bed, I started to turn over knowing he wasn’t going to help me now.

“Alex stay the fuck where you are, did I say you could move?”

“I just thought…”

“Yeah well you thought wrong.”

Mulder had made me jump when he’d yelled at me like that, now all I could do was watch as he opened a draw. It was at that moment I realized what he had; Jesus was the man really serious?

“Mulder…”

Shut up, you do this or walk out, the choice is yours Alex.”

Great I knew I needed him, that or it would be a trip to casualty. I could imagine trying to explain that one to the staff, also how it would look.

“So what’s it to be Alex?”

“Just do it Mulder…”

“Hey, I just don’t want to hurt you Alex. You keep moving and anything could go wrong.”

I lay there as Mulder tied my ankles to the bed with his ties, he then went and secured my wrists with his cuffs.

“Don’t you make a pretty picture.”

“Mulder please…”

“Sorry, right, where was I?”

It didn’t take Mulder long to be back where he was, or to have his fingers back in position.

“I can feel something Alex, however I can’t get a grip on it. You’re too tight and need to relax, then I might be able to get my other fingers inside.”

“Shit easier said than done Mulder.”

“Okay I can understand that, hold on a minute.”

I felt as Mulder applied more lube, soon he had more fingers inside me and was stretching me even more.

“Alex will you do something for me?”

“Yeah if I can.”

“I want you to imagine we’re making love.”

“What the fuck…”

“Please just hear me out, I plan to stretch you Alex and shove my hand as far up your ass as I can. I’m sure you’ve experimented with many things, I’m also sure someone will have fisted you at some time or other.”

“Great I don’t know what’s more disturbing, you acting all casual about it, or you suggesting I’m some sort of slut!”

“Hey, I promise to make it good for you.”

“Fine just get it out of me, shit I can’t take any more of this Mulder.”

“Okay babe, just hang in there.”

Shit now I was going to cry like a baby as Mulder called me babe, however that was soon forgotten as he started. I think him restraining me was a good idea, shit how could I not move with what he was doing to my body.

“Nearly there Alex, the next bit might hurt a bit as I force my knuckles inside you.”

“Oh shit, fuck it hurts…”

“I know babe, I can’t use any more lube or I won’t be able to keep hold of it.”

I knew I was making pathetic noises, yet it was impossible not to under the circumstances.

“Hold very still babe, I think I’ve got it. I just need to keep hold of it as I pull it out, I know you can do this for me babe.”

I felt as Mulder started pulling his hand back out, I just prayed that his long elegant fingers had worked.

“I’ve got it Alex, it’s out babe.”

The tears really came then as I fell apart, I’d been through so much and was amazed I’d survived this long.

“Hey, I’ve got you babe.”

“Mulder what was it?”

Mulder moved down the bed and grabbed the item, he then brought it to show me.

“It was an empty syringe Alex; I think you were right and whatever was in it went into your blood stream.”

“Thank you Mulder, I know it was a lot to ask of you.”

“I told you I’d help if I could.”

“Mulder, I know I’ve got some nerve asking but… Never mind just forget it.”

“Alex ask me, that or I might leave you here tied to the bed.”

“I want to know if you’ll fuck me, I just want to forget about what they did to me?”

“It would be my pleasure Babe.”

Mulder wasted no time and was undressed in minutes, well at least I was well prepared for him and more than ready Mulder soon entered me, and I was gone, I guess I’d already come so close from the foreplay alone. Literally within seconds I was coming, and in all honesty, I’d never had an orgasm as powerful as that. It was that powerful I passed out on the poor man; I was just thankful it only lasted a few seconds.

“Hey, are you still with me Alex?”

“Yeah, only just though. Shit Mulder what are you trying to do to me?”

“It works both ways Alex, I couldn’t last long with you restrained like that. Shit you’re so fuckin hot and gorgeous too.”

“Mulder you would say that.”

“I mean it though Alex, look I really need to move the restraints okay.”

“Yeah okay.”

“I want you to promise me one thing Alex.”

“What?”

“Promise me you’ll stay, even if it’s only for tonight…”

“Yeah I promise, shit I don’t have the energy to move anyway.”

I lay there as Mulder removed all the restraints, he then ran his finger down my spine and slapped me on the backside once more.

“Get into bed Alex, I think we could both do with some sleep.”

“Yeah true.”

Mulder soon joined me in the bed, then before I knew it he held me in his arms. I lay there feeling rather relaxed as he stroked my hair. It felt good to feel wanted for a change, well other than the usual way people wanted me lately.

“What are you thinking about Alex?”

“You, my fucked up life and everything else.”

“We could make it better together, well that’s if you want to?”

“I want it Mulder, it’s just so hard to let go of the past. Also the last few months have been hell, I guess that didn’t help with my trust issues either.”

“Maybe all you need is some time Alex…”

“I have things to deal with first, who knows how things will work out afterwards though.”

“What things Alex, please tell me. I can help you. You just have to let me inside that head of yours.”

“I want to find the men that did this to me, shit they beat me and abused me more than once. Believe me I never want to feel like that again, how can I even walk down the street? For all I know they could be watching me and waiting to strike, shit everything is just so confusing.”

“Is that all that worries you Alex, I thought you’d sorted things with Spender?”

“Spender has to be behind it, he was the only one who knew where to find me. I need to take care of the men that did it, then I need to deal with the person that arranged for it to be done.”

“So why do you have to find the person, I thought you just said it was Spender?”

“I’m not sure, I pissed off the man I was sent to work with. I was slow and he got shot, that bastard is also capable of anything.”

“Sleep on it then, I’m sure nothing will change between now and morning.”

“Yeah okay, thanks Mulder and I’m sorry for what you had to do earlier.”

“Are you kidding, I’m glad you came and how could I refuse you. Shit Alex you were such a turn on too, especially as my hand started to disappear inside you.”

“Shit Mulder what are you trying to do to me?”

“Me? I’m not doing anything so go to sleep.”

After a while, I heard Mulder’s breathing change as he fell asleep. While I wasn’t so lucky, I just lay here thinking about the men that had done this to me. To be as low as that, it was also the thought that I could have used that gun on myself. It wasn’t as if I were in the right frame of mind, I knew I would find the person responsible no matter what. I’d just have to think of a way to pay them back, the person must be some low life to arrange that.

Maybe Mulder was right, and we did have something together, I’d just deal with my problems and take it from there. I fell asleep thinking about things, also how I’d get my revenge and make them hurt as much as I did.

XXXXXXXXXX


	6. Chapter 6

When morning came, I told Mulder I had to leave, I wanted to see Spender and get some answers. Mulder was in the kitchen making breakfast, I knew he was pissed off by the banging he was making. At this rate he’d have no pots left, well I guess I should go and face him before he really lost it.

“Sit down Alex, I’ve made you a coffee and some toast.”

“Thanks, Mulder can we talk before I leave?”

“Why? What is there to say? You’ve already made your decision Alex; I just don’t see why you can’t drop it and move on with your life…”

“You expect me to move on, what with some monster out there that can get me whenever they want… It has to end Mulder and I need closure, I’m sorry if you don’t agree with it.”

“Yeah well, it’s your life Alex so who am I to say anything?”

“I want you in my life Mulder, I just have too much baggage right now and can’t deal with this.”

“So will you come back?”

“Do you want me to come back?”

“Yes Alex, I want you to come back more than anything.”

“Okay I’ll go and see Spender then Luis, afterwards I’ll come back here. Well that’s if I’m still alive anyway, I promise I won’t go looking for anyone else.”

“Okay I guess I can live with that, please be careful Alex and remember I’m here for you.”

“Right now you the only reason I have to come back Mulder, without you I have nothing.”

“Good as I want you here, once this is sorted, I want a proper relationship with you Alex. Oh, also I want you to move in here with me so you’ll be safe.”

“You don’t want a lot then Mulder, you don’t waste any time either.”

“Alex all I want is you, also I think we’ve already wasted enough time, don’t you?”

“Yeah true, right I’ll get going then. The sooner I leave, the sooner I come back.

We said our goodbyes, not that we really wanted to part. I could tell what Mulders game was straight away, he was trying to turn me on, so I’d stay here with him. This was something I had to do, even sex with Mulder wouldn’t change that. Also I knew he’d be just as keen when I returned, so I would win in the end.

Finally we pulled apart, it was then that Mulder went over to his desk.

“Hey Alex.”

Mulder threw something and I caught it, I was surprised when I realized it was his car keys.

“Are you sure Mulder?”

“Yeah, I don’t want you hanging around on street corners.”

“Are you scared someone might pick me up?”

“Yeah, your mine Alex.”

“Possessive there Mulder.”

“Yeah so don’t forget it.”

“I won’t be long.”

With that I closed the door and went to Mulders car, soon I was on my way to see Spender.

XXXXXXXXXX

I walked into his smoke filled office and felt sick straight away, it always gave me a headache too. All I wanted was for this to be over with so I could leave, return to Fox and maybe think about a future together.

“Alex dear boy take a seat, I’ve been informed that you want to speak to me.”

I sat down on the only other chair; I swear he’d positioned it right in front of him on purpose. I felt like a fuckin bug under a microscope, however I knew I couldn’t let him see my weakness.

“Well I must admit you look a little rough Alex; you seem to be a target for everyone lately!”

“Yeah well that’s what I want to talk to you about.”

“Go ahead as I’m busy.”

“I want to know how long you plan to keep this up?”

“Keep what up?”

“Don’t take the piss old man, the beatings I keep suffering. I wouldn’t have thought you’d sink so low as…”

“Low as what Alex, come on spit it out. If you’ve something to say, just say it…”

“Rape…”

“What? And you think I’d have a part in something like that?”

“I don’t know anymore.”

“Alex, I gave you an ultimatum, I said you could walk away from me and the consortium.”

“Yeah walk away as far as Mulders place.”

“Can you sit there and tell me you don’t want to be with him?”

“No.”

“Exactly, so we both win. That’s why I wouldn’t want to have you damaged, my son might not want you anymore if you were damaged.”

“So what about Luis, he hates me, and it was my fault he got shot?”

Spender never answered me, however I sat there as he picked up his phone and spoke.

“Get Luis here now, I have someone who wants a word with him.”

Spender hung up and just sat there staring at me, now I really just wanted to get the hell out of here.

“What do you want Spender?”

“Nothing, I’m just trying to figure out what my son sees in you. Well other than your looks that is, not that you are looking after yourself though or your looks.”

“Fuck you, maybe if everyone left me alone…”

“Well just remember Mulder only has so much patience Alex, I suggest you get professional help.”

“What the hell for?”

“Look, go home and take a good look at yourself in a mirror, I won’t have you blow everything with Mulder because your pathetic.”

I never even got to answer Spender, we were interrupted by a knock on the door. Spender told Luis to enter, I had to admit the man looked pissed when he saw me there.

“Sir, you wanted to see me.”

“Yes Luis, Alex here wants to ask you something.”

“Great, out with it then Krycek.”

“I want you to get your goons off my back, I’m sick of everyone beating the crap out of me and raping me…”

Shit I knew I was losing it now; however I hadn’t expected Luis to suddenly grab me and pull me from the chair. The bastard then slammed me hard against the nearest wall, now I was stood here with his arm pinned across my throat.

“You sad little bastard; you deserve all you get Krycek after what you did. Listen to me and listen well, I don’t need anyone to do my dirty work for me, I would have come there and done it myself. I guarantee you one thing though, if I’d done it you wouldn’t be walking now.”

Luis suddenly let go of me and I could breathe again, my legs were shaking, and I had to force myself to remain upright.

“Do you still need me Sir, or can I go?”

“You may go Luis; Alex is that all?”

“Whatever, I just want you to answer one question for me first.”

“Very well.”

“If it wasn’t the consortium how did they find me, whoever did this knew where I live?”

“I have no answer for you Alex, however if you do find out please let me know. The place you live was meant to be secure, that means we could have a traitor working for us. Well that or you’re careless, maybe you were followed?”

“Yeah right, I’m always careful when I go home, not that I work for you anymore, or answer to you.”

“Just remember one thing, you are only free as long as you stay with Mulder.”

“So technically I’m not free then…”

“Goodbye Alex, go back to Agent Mulder and keep him happy.”

I never even answered him as I left, once back at the car I just sat there for a while thinking about everything. I knew I wanted to be with Mulder and have a life, yet it still all felt so wrong. It was like a job, keep Mulder happy and no one will touch you.

Fuck this, I started the car and drove to Mulders place. I parked his car where I’d found it and entered the building. Suddenly I couldn’t go any farther, I had to get out of here fast and away from Mulder.

I walked as far as the nearest bar and ordered a double vodka, maybe Spender was right after all. I should get some sort of professional help, that or I’d end up destroying myself. I guess alcohol was always my answer to everything, even though I was making a target for myself once more.

This time I had no car, so I’d just get a cab straight home. Well that was a fuckin joke, especially considering the bastards knew where I lived. Great, it looked like I wasn’t safe no matter where I went. I guess drunk I was just an easier target, not that I cared anymore what happened to me.

I drank far more than I should have and knew it was time to leave, I grabbed my jacket and put it on. It was then that I pulled out the object in my pocket, shit I still had Mulders car keys on me. It looked like I’d have to drop them off first, I was just thankful the bar was only a few minutes from his place.

The idea was to drop them off and leave, I’d call a cab to take me the rest of the way home. First, I’d have to get into the building without making too much noise, not an easy job when you can barely stand up. Shit stand up, I could barely even fuckin think never mind anything else.

I decided on the lift as it was faster, in my state I wouldn’t even make it up one flight of stairs. Okay yeah, the lift was faster, just a shame it made my stomach churn and I was on the verge of throwing up. I’d just leave his keys near his door, I’m sure he’d find them when he left in the morning to go to work.

I leant forward and realized bending down wasn’t a good idea, I had to lean against the apartment door until the dizziness passed. It was right then that the door flew open and I fell forward, soon I found myself on the floor in Mulders apartment.

“Why are you sneaking around Alex?”

“I brought your keys back.”

“Was you just going to leave them and walk away; shit you were wasn’t you!”

“I’m sorry…”

“So why the hell did you come up here, you could have posted them in the mailbox?”

“Shit why didn’t I think of that.”

Suddenly Mulder knelt in front of me, the man then grabbed my chin rather hard.

“You’re drunk!”

“No shit…”

Fuck it hurt as Mulder slapped me hard across the face, he then stood and pulled me up with him.

“You didn’t give a shit did you, that I might be here wondering if you were dead or alive. I thought we had something here, hell I was the idiot that thought you wanted more!”

“I’m sorry…”

“I don’t want to hear you say that again, all I want is some answers Alex.”

“Oh shit I feel sick…”

Mulder grabbed me fast and hauled me into the bathroom, I’d swear my stomach couldn’t take much more of this drinking. I must have stayed there a good five minutes before I sat up, it was then that Mulder cleaned me up with a wet cloth.

“Get the jacket and clothes off Alex, you can sleep it off and then we’ll talk.”

It took some time, finally I managed to lose the jacket and my shoes. Mulder was the one who pulled my tee shirt off, he then led me towards the bedroom and made me lay down. It was then that he started working on my jeans one by one he opened the buttons and I panicked.

“Mulder please don’t…”

“Don’t what?”

Great like an idiot I started crying once more, I couldn’t do this with him as it felt so wrong.

“Alex… Are you even listening to me?”

“What?”

“Do you think I’ll hurt you, is that what’s bothering you?”

“I don’t know what I think any more.”

“Look lift up, I’m only removing them so you’ll be comfortable, then after you can sleep.”

I did as he asked despite feeling rather vulnerable, I was just more surprised when Mulder lay beside me.

“Alex why, I’ve given you my heart. I told you that I want you here with me. I love you.”

“Shit no, please you can’t Mulder!”

“Why the hell not?”

I refused to answer him, hell I didn’t even know what to say to him.

“Sleep and we can have this talk when your sober.”

Mulder kissed the top of my head, shortly after I fell asleep and was where I wanted to be. Well for tonight at least, as nothing ever lasts.

XXXXXXXXXX

The next morning we had that talk, Mulder made me realize I had nothing to lose by staying. I had to admit that he was right, I knew I loved the man more than ever. At the moment I spent every night here, I’d only been back to my place a handful of times.

It held too many painful memories; a time I didn’t want to remember now I was finally happy. I’d never found out who it was or why they’d done it, not that it mattered now as I had Mulder to look after me, I guess it felt good having someone there for me, I’d even stayed in touch with my brother too.

My biggest problem was boredom, I didn’t cope too well when I had nothing to do. I’d started going to the gym, I guess it was also a full-time job cleaning up after Fox too. Today though I was meeting Fox for lunch, I made sure I dressed smart in black pants and a black shirt. I never shaved as the stubble seemed to turn Fox on.

I grabbed my keys and left; I was also thankful that I actually had my own car too as a cab meant waiting around. Mulder looked as gorgeous as ever when I arrived, he even came up to me and kissed my cheek. I guess it had surprised me, Mulder had never shown me any affection in public so maybe it was love.

“Sit down babe, I thought we could eat together and plan for the weekend.”

“Okay, why what did you have in mind Fox?”

“Eat first then we can discuss it.”

We ate the meal in silence, as for me I just wanted to know what Fox had planned. We never did anything before on a weekend, well other than staying in. The meal came to an end and Fox ordered a coffee each, well I knew I’d soon learn of his plans.

“Alex, it’s been three months since we agreed to make a go of things.”

“Yeah it’s gone so fast.”

“Yeah it has, that was why I wanted to do something special this weekend.”

“So what did you have in mind then?”

“Going away for a couple of nights, somewhere nice where we can relax and be together. A change of scenery, not that I have a problem with the scenery in front of me right now.”

“Flattery will get you everything lover.”

“That’s what I’m counting on, I’m just not sure you’ll agree with what I actually want…”

“Come on Fox, just tell me or you’ll never know.”

I watched as Mulder pulled a leaflet from his pocket, he then just handed it to me. It was a large cottage, it looked so perfect and the scenery was beautiful. Then I flicked through the pages, I reached the one of the bedrooms and stopped.

“Fox it’s gorgeous.”

“So what did you think of the bedroom babe.”

“A four-poster bed, am I to assume you want a dirty weekend Fox?”

“I want it to be dirty and kinky babe, I also want you tied to that bed naked.”

“Then what, do tell lover.”

“I want to keep you there all weekend, make love to you and do so many different things to your body.”

“Shit Fox I’ll come in my pants soon.”

“So is that a yes then?”

“Of course it is lover, how the hell could I say no to an offer like that?”

“Do you truly understand what I want Alex?”

“You just told me Fox.”

“I want you to surrender yourself to me babe, you won’t be able to do anything unless I say so.”

“Yes Master.”

“Well I’m glad you understand, right I need to get back to work.”

“So when do we leave Fox?”

“The place will be sending me an email later today, just log on to the computer after two and read it. Oh and Alex…”

“What Fox?”

“Read the email confirming the purchases I made earlier today.”

“Why what have you been buying Fox?”

“Just check the email, if you don’t like any off the items let me know.”

“Okay I will do, don’t worry though as I’m open to most things.”

“Good, also make sure you think of a safe word too babe…”

With that Fox kissed me and left, okay all I can say is I wasn’t expecting any of that. I guess we’d never really done much, other than the usual sex and blow jobs. Well I decided to go and fill my car up, also I knew I should check out my apartment as I hadn’t done it for a while. Maybe one day I’d pack up all my stuff and move out, I just wanted to wait a few more months that was all.

Well it turned out everything was as I left it, I’d left the place clean as that was who I was. Not that I’d ever slept in that bed since that night, that was one thing I’d be glad to leave behind. Soon I grabbed a bag and a few more clothes, I soon realized I now had more at Hegal place than here.

Well it wasn’t long before I arrived back at Hegal place, at least I’d have a couple of hours before Fox returned. I made myself a coffee and booted up the computer, soon I was sat there and logging into the emails.

Okay firstly, I opened the one entitled Pleasure Toys R Us. Okay it looked like Fox had been a very busy boy, also the man was extremely kinky to say the least. He’d bought various sized butt plugs, also dildos and also a cock ring, I guess he’d be making me suffer before allowing me to come. Also he’d bought extra cuffs too, along with a flogger and other torture items.

Well I knew I’d have to jerk off looking at all this stuff, however first I wanted to check out the cottage and the bedroom. I scanned down the list of received emails, so far there was nothing from the rental company.

It was then that one email stood out, and I looked closer and read what the title said. Regarding target A. Krycek. I couldn’t help myself As I opened the email, it looked like the correspondence had lasted a few months. Fox had said little, mainly that action had to be taken, also that he was pleased with the outcome and the video.

I looked at what the other person had said in reply, not that they’d said much either. Matter dealt with video enclosed. I had to wonder if Fox had been watching out for me, he had claimed that he wanted me to be safe, yet why would he need a video.

I decided to click on one of them, it was then that my world fell apart and I wished I hadn’t. There I was on the screen; however I wasn’t alone. It was my own bedroom and I was face down on the bed, there looming above me was the man who raped me.

I felt so sick, it had been Fox all along who’d arranged it all. I’d then come here afterwards believing he wanted to help me, yet all the time his goal had been to destroy me. How the hell had Fox known where to send them, how did he know where I lived?

I thought back to that night, I’d been on the phone with Fox, I’d wanted to warn him about Spender. Shit now I realized why he’d kept me on the phone, the bastard must have been tracing the call.

I shoved the chair back and knocked it over, I never even stopped for my jacket or anything. I had to get out of here, I grabbed my keys and knew I wouldn’t be coming back.

I drove like a mad man and was surprised I arrived home in one piece, not that I gave a shit anymore. I just wanted to be left alone, however I didn’t think I had it in me to deal with a blow like this. I’d given Fox so much, hell I would have given him anything and everything, now I was back in the gutter where I belonged.

XXXXXXXXXX

I hated it been back here, I guess you could say I’d had a taste of the good life. The first think I did was open the vodka, I knew I was pathetic, and drinking was stupid. Well it was either that or I shoot myself, hell I might even decide to shoot some fucker else first.

Fox had hurt me far more than I thought possible, one minute we were planning a weekend away together. No I really didn’t want to think about that right now, was it all a trap. Did he plan to leave me there, then what after he had me restrained to a fuckin bed. That was when I had images of Spender or Luis walking in, that was where my life ended.

I was hurt; however I was also angry beyond comprehension. I hurt and wanted everyone else to hurt too. Especially Fox Mulder, he had to pay for what he’d done to me.

I guess this was the only way I knew how to deal with it, I always ran away or resorted to violence. Okay I had to lay of the drink until he was dealt with, I wanted it done today and over with so I could deal with myself. Crashing the car, that or getting pulled over for drunk driving wasn’t in my plan.

Well I finally made it there and realized it was still early evening, at least his car was there so he was home. I had to wonder what he’d thought when he arrived home, had he even cared that I wasn’t there? None of that mattered now anyway, shit Fox Mulder had proved one thing. The man was far more cunning and devious than I ever was, also he was one hell of a liar too.

I went up to the apartment, ha maybe he would regret the day he gave me a key. My intention was just to walk in as normal, see if he’d even missed me.

I let myself in to find him on the couch, yet within seconds he was in my face.

“Shit Alex I was worried, where the hell have you been?”

I couldn’t even be bothered to answer him, I brought my fist back and punched him full on in the stomach. Well I guess he hadn’t been expecting that, he doubled over and ended up kneeling on the floor.

“What the fuck…”

“Life is full of surprises Mulder, to think you never thought I had it in me to hit you.”

“Please Alex, talk to me babe.”

“Don’t fuckin call me that…”

Within seconds I yanked him up by his hair, I then pulled him towards the couch.

“Alex why are you doing this?”

“Sit the fuck there and shut up.”

The whole time I kept my gun on him, I knew he’d jump me if he got the chance. I walked over to his desk and turned the computer on, I also soon found what I was looking for. It was hard because I noticed his other emails, ones with regards to the hotel and the things he’d bought. I took a deep breath and clicked on one, it was then that I dragged Mulder over and made him sit at the desk.

“Alex what are you doing?”

I reached over him and opened the video, the man literally paled as I pressed play.

“Alex please, you have to listen to me… Hell it’s not what you think!”

“Shut the fuck up.”

I grabbed the chair and pushed it backwards, Mulder lay there as I aimed the gun at his head.

“You made me do this Mulder, I gave you everything and you drove me to this.”

“Alex…”

I removed the safety catch and fired once, I hit the floor and knew I couldn’t do it. How do you shoot a man you loved; hell still love? I looked down at Mulder who was silent and shaking, I never spoke and just walked out leaving him there alone.

Once back home I couldn’t control the tears, I drank a full bottle of vodka within minutes. Not that it helped, I lost it big time and started smashing the place up. It wasn’t a proper home and never was. Soon I was surrounded with a huge mess, I don’t think I’d left anything in one piece.

I couldn’t control the anger or the depression, I grabbed my knife and went into the bedroom. Once there I pulled off all the sheets, I then focussed all my anger on that bed and what had happened there. I carried on until exhaustion forced me to stop, by that time the mattress was shredded to nothing.

It was at that point that I collapsed sobbing on the floor, nothing mattered now. Why the hell had he done all that, shit the man must hate me far more than I thought he had before. A simple bullet would have sufficed, maybe he was related to Spender after all and that’s how he could do it.

Not that the reason mattered, he’d done it and that was that. I was the fuckin stupid one, a bullet and I’d have got my revenge. Yet I’d bailed when it came down to doing it, I grabbed my gun and stared at it for some time.

Maybe one bullet could end it all, a bullet for myself and not Mulder. I couldn’t even start to describe the pain I felt, I could hardly even breathe any more. I knew I didn’t want to be in this bedroom any longer though, I decided I’d move back to the couch and open another bottle of vodka.

I was still sat there over an hour later, the unopened bottle in one hand and the gun in the other. I never even moved when someone kicked my apartment door open, great I looked up to see Mulder stood there.

“Was the threat not good enough Mulder, I take it you’ve come back for more?”

“Alex I just want to talk, nothing more.”

“So what was the great plan Mulder? Was you working with Spender after all?”

“Alex I never worked for him okay, this was only ever between me and you I swear.”

“So what about the men you paid Mulder, where did they fit into it all?”

“I knew you wouldn’t trust me or come to me, fuck this isn’t coming out right at all.”

“You’ve got five minutes Mulder to explain why you did it, then I want you out of my life.”

“Alex please…”

“The clocks ticking Mulder.”

“I thought I hated you, all I wanted was to destroy you and leave you with nothing. They were supposed to beat you Alex and scare you, while I’d make you feel safe and give you somewhere to stay. I wanted you to become totally dependent on me, trust me no matter what.”

“What by getting them to fuckin rape me and… oh fuck I nearly killed myself that night because of what they’d done to me.”

“Alex please look at me, they were never meant to touch you in that way at all, also the syringe wasn’t part of the deal either. Then you came to me and I realized just how you’d suffered, that was why I helped you get it out.”

“So what was the end game plan Mulder?”

“I wanted you to need me and fall in love with me, then I planned to take it all away from you. Tell you it was all just for revenge… God I’m so sorry Alex.”

“Well it looks like it worked then, you got what you wanted in the end Mulder.”

“No I didn’t Alex…”

“Yeah right, take a good look at me and what you’ve done. So yeah, you won and got what you wanted.”

“No I didn’t because my great fuckin plan backfired. Shit I went and fell in love with you Alex.”

“Get out Mulder.”

“Alex please believe me now; I know I can’t expect you to after what I did.”

“Get the fuck out now, that or I really will put a bullet in you Mulder.”

“Go on then, just fuckin do it right now.”

“You’re really trying my patience Mulder.”

Maybe if I scared him again, he might leave, he could also take all his god damn lies with him too. I aimed my gun, hell even after the vodka I could shoot straight. The bullet hit the door frame, shit the bastard never even fuckin flinched.

“I’m not leaving like this Alex; you will have to do better if that’s what you want. Come on, just finish it or are you a coward?”

“Mulder there’s nothing for you to stay for.”

“There’s you Alex, I’d rather die than walk out of here and be alone.”

“You sorry son of a bitch, why did I have to fall in love with such a stubborn bastard.”

“So you still love me then?”

“Mulder…”

“What happened to Fox?”

“God you push your luck. Yes, I love you… Fox. However how the hell can I trust you now.?”

“It will take time I know, also I’ll have to work hard to prove myself to you. Shit I can’t take back the things I’ve done, but I can’t lose you either.”

I watched as Mulder fell apart in front of me, maybe the man was telling the truth after all. The question was whether I’d give him a chance, shit then I remembered our shared past and what I’d done to him. Hell maybe I’d deserved everything that I’d got.

“I must be fuckin mad Fox, maybe we deserve each other anyway, as we’re as fucked up as each other.”

“So you’ll give me another chance Alex?”

“Yeah, however things have to change, and we’ll need some rules.”

“Such as…”

“I’m moving back here Fox; I want us to start from the beginning and take it one day at a time.”

“I promise that I won’t fuck up Alex.”

“What happened to babe?”

“Thank you babe for this.”

Fox came and sat beside me on the couch, he then held his arms out towards me. Shit, I didn’t even hesitate as I went to him.

“Please hold me Fox, just tell me we can get past this?”

“We will give it everything we’ve got babe. Look I’ll cancel the cottage, and we can just spend the day together. We can talk and discuss what we really want.”

“Thank you, it means a lot.”

“Alex, I love you for your mind too, this has to be more than just sex, or it won’t work.”

“Shit what if we have nothing in common Fox.”

“Okay how about this then, just tell me though if you don’t like the idea.”

“Go on…”

“We will give it one whole year from today, then we’ll take it from there. If either one of us is unhappy we’ll end it okay?”

“Okay, so what’s the plan if we’re both happy then?”

“I’ll re book the cottage for our year anniversary.”

“Yeah I like that Fox, right can you shut up and kiss me now.”

XXXXXXXXXX

One year later and my life had changed so much, Fox had kept his promise to me. A year later and we’d finally gone to that cottage he’d planned; this was our one-year anniversary since we made the deal. A lot has changed in that year and made us both far stronger people.

I guess I’ll need to be strong for the weekend he has planned, considering I’m here naked and tied to a four-poster bed. I look forward to every moment we’re together, I guess now I’ve finally learnt that he does love me, and I can trust him with my life.

This weekend is all about us and, we plan to spend the time having some fun and doing what we promised we would. Afterwards I will be moving in with Fox permanently, then we will start a new life together. I guess I was just thankful that he was a stubborn bastard after all, he didn’t give up on me even when I wanted him to leave.

I guess neither one of us is perfect, but who truly is? We have one life and I want it to mean something, I know that alone I break, and he is my strength, he is my future.

Alone I Break

By CarolelaineD

18/08/2019


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